::blinking blindly at the sunlight::

man, it was dark under that rock.

so, computer crash blah blah... i'm back.

i came back to comments from people i have never met, and familiar  blog storylines have passed me by, and i've got gobs to catch up on.

to all of those who get notice that i've posted, hello!

this was just a brief greeting. real post coming friday morning.

cant wait.

happy tofurkey day everyone!

what's tiny, pale blue and shimmery?

oh, there's no punchline coming, i'm really asking.

...cause, when i took my daughter to the doctor today for a temp of 102.2 and a suspected ear infection, that is what they found inside her ear canal during her exam.

something tiny, pale blue, and shimmery.

me :  peyton, what did you put in your ear THIS time?

(because, this isnt the first time. she's THAT kid.)

her :  i dont remember.

me :  sigh.

i have no idea what in her environment could possibly match up with what i saw thru the ear-looker-thingy.
it was mobile, sort of.
when she thrashed and screamed. it sorta shifted.
but, the doctor was unable to grab it, due to my daughter freaking the hell out...

...its really too bad she didnt react this way when she was SHOVING SHINY STUFF INTO HER EAR HOLE.

so, since we  failed at the mystery object removal, we are gonna hit her with oral antibiotics and oil based ear drops over the weekend, and hope that it will come out (psh) -- or at the very least, hope we can reduce the swelling and pain from the RAGING INFECTION that the pretty little blue thing is causing, and try again when we go back monday morning.


in the meantime, i'm going to do my best to resist my morbid curiosity, and refrain from blowdart'ing my child and then removing it thru whatever means necessary.

her :   (random'ly, much later)....did it look like blue crayon, or candy or tape or something else?

me :  sigh.

happy birthday to me, meteor style.

The 2010 Perseid meteor shower – August’s famous ’shooting stars’ – will peak on the mornings of August 12 and 13 in the morning hours after midnight. 2010 is a great year for the Perseids. This year, the slender waxing crescent moon will set at early evening, leaving a dark sky for this year’s Perseid show, often peaking at 50 or more meteors per hour.

dabbling in gangsta, homie..

i dont think we've talked about this much, but, i have a pretty laid back taste in music.

my friends would say that 'laid back taste in music' translates to 'horrible taste in music'

i like a lot of acoustic stuff, and i'm a sucker for lyrics, even if the music surrounding them is questionable. my mp3 player is loaded with things like ani difranco, nevershoutnever!, alanis, tori, she & him, laura marling, joshua radin, ben harper, amber rubarth, neil diamond, jack johnson... etc. you get the point.


so, my mp3 player and i are making it to the gym approximately 4 times a week. recently, i realized that i was really tired of constantly tracking forward looking for a motivating song amongst all of the piano and ukulele.


you can imagine that the elliptical is NOT made any easier by loung'yish style music, but there was ONE song that i kept going back to.

'shake that ass' by eminem feat nate dogg.

god, how i used to shake my ass to that song at the club...

ahem...
anyway.

so, i think what i have learned about myself, is that i like dirty rap when i'm working out at the gym.

which is really funny if you know me. its almost as removed from my taste as heavy metal would be. almost. except heavy metal is simply, truely, utterly, intolerable.

so, yeah. i downloaded a bunch of stuff, but i'm taking suggestions for anything i've forgotten. its never been my musical area, so i'm not very familiar. at all, 'yo.

it. is. fucking. hot.

that makes me irrationally angry.

i am tired of body parts sticking to other body parts that they should not stick to.
i am tired of my hair feeling gross an hour after i wash it because of the sticky layer of sweat that i cannot get away from.
i am tired of the weather dictating what i can cook for dinner or when i can do my laundry without turning the house into a goddamn Auschwitz oven.

...and i need to be outside weed-eating and doing yard stuff. THAT means entering similar conditions but throwing in a shit ton of bugs to stick to my sticky sweaty skin.

...which improves my mood exponentially.

~*~


on a brighter side, i joined a gym.
my goal is to work out on my way to my 11p shift, and tan on my home at 7a.
i intend to do this 3-4 days a week.

i've never belonged to a gym, and have no idea how to do anything on the circuit machines. i figure i'll do the bike and treadmill and elliptical until i make a 'gym friend'.


i'm on a corporate account with work, so at $20 a month, even if i never make a 'gym friend' and only use those machines and tan, it will be worth it, if only for the alone time that money will buy me.

::sigh::

did i mention that the a/c in my jeep does not work, and that my three window units are insufficient to my meager square footage?  ergo- i'm melting as i type this, so off i go to donn my headphones and brave the great outdoors, bugs and all.

twirl.

tiny. round. navy blue... yay Lunesta.

so, i completed my first 4 day run at the night shift.

and i have no idea why a llama is my sleep aide mascot.


my flipping days and nights is wreaking havoc on my sleeping, so, i've resorted to using lunesta. lunesta is my favorite sleeping pill, hands down. even with the metal taste. it knocks me down enough to make me comfortably wobbly, and then OUT like a light for 4-5 hours before i finally might wake up to pee. at this point i can choose to stay up and be functional without that sleeping pill hangover, or go back to bed and sleep really good for a few more hours. and i still dream with this medication, sometimes more vividly than without taking anything. with other meds, i usually do not dream at all. overall- gold star to Lunesta go there and try the 7 day trial, or if you use it already, theres a coupon for their crazy ass prices. i just used the copay coupon, and it went thru without a single hiccup.

its completely different than what i'm used to on days. soooo much slower paced.so slow in fact, that i read a novel tonight. in its entirety. my patient interaction is down to minimal, and i dont love my nurses as much as i would have liked, but that may change in time.

so much else i wanted to say before i got sleepy, but i'm afraid it may not happen. sorry guys, i'll finish a better post later, after i get my permanent crown on at the dentist,

loves and kisses and dreamy wishes,
twirl.

i'm so in love with this.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Published 1927.

am not.

yawn...


no, i AM NOT staying up too late because i'm stuck on blogger... that would be silly.

what i'm actually doing is prep work.

...no, seriously. prep work.

i am INTENTIONALLY staying up (too late) on blogger because i accepted the 11p - 7a position that i mentioned a few posts ago, and i start this sunday night. i am attempting to make the mental flipping of days and nights a wee bit easier by pre-transitioning.

see how smart i am?



i've never worked the graveyard shift before. (why do they call it that, anyway?)

i suspect that i will like it after i adjust, because i despise 445am thru 11am. i am NOT a morning person. i have always been much more predisposed to being a night owl.

i'm not changing jobs, just changing shifts. which will kinda be like changing jobs a little bit, because of working with different people, i suppose.

god, i'm gonna miss my day timers. i work with the best bunch of people out there, hands down. they were really the only major point of consideration when i had this choice to make. they have become some of my best friends, and occasionally they are the only ones that i feel like can relate to me, as far as my work-life goes. i can always tell craig, or my bff about my day whenever i need to, but, they dont really get it, and i understand that.

its like... do you have that friend who goes on and on about their new new couch, or scrapbooking, or their husbands sick third cousins husband... and you listen, but, you arent that interested, and dont really care, and mostly you're just listening to let them talk because you love them, and its something they're excited about, so you just kinda ... indulge them while you're silently yearning for a topic that you can BOTH participate in?

talking to people outside of work about my job is kinda like that.

"and then this lady, who was only 52 years old, and who can walk PERFECTLY FINE made the CHOICE to just SHIT IN HER BED because she was under the very wrong impression that having an iv pole entitled her to a third party butthole butler! can you believe that shit? who does that???"

...actually- those stories are pretty funny, and most of the time my outside people enjoy hearing those. (btw- that really happened today. and the patient was a hooker. a real life hooker. with a prolapsed rectum.)

where was i? oh, yeah.

its probably more the not-funny stories that are hard to talk about to outside people.

(for my new readers, so you dont have to rummage backwards, in case you care enough to be curious...)

i am a cna on an oncology unit in a hospital. we have mostly cancer patients, whom i love with a part of my soul that is simply not available to anyone else.

i choose to work in that department. when i began in oncology, i thought i wouldnt be able to handle the emotional component that is unique to this particuliar field. and sometimes it is almost too much. sometimes, it floods pain in such huge amounts that it saturates me from the outside in.

but, theres something in these people that compensates for that. makes it worth it. a beauty and an honesty that i cant even explain. i see such strength and such goodness in my patients, and in their families. everyone is going through such a scary and difficult time, and you become part of that journey with them. its humbling how their family dynamic just melds around you as if you belong there.

so, when someone is dying, and you cant leave it at work... or just cant leave work period, or you just need to talk about someone to share who they are... or were... its almost impossible get what you are needing from someone on the outside.

but, my day-timers understand. they get it.
and i'm gonna miss that. a lot.
hopefully the night-timers will have the same vibe the one i'm leaving.

sigh.



anyway, lately we have a lot of stupid med-surg overflow patients, and i'm tired of them dirtying up my unit. we used to be exclusively oncology. my patients are immuno compromised, and i cant wait for them to get the sickies off my floor.

((**holy shit, a Roseanne re-run just came tv!
did ya'll know they still air that?**))

on the brightside, this shift change is an easier workload, and two dollars more an hour. since i'm the only one working in my household right now, can i get a woot?

evidently, i'm not really a grown up.

so- craig- my fiancee, and bf of 4.2 years, had applied for this job that pays pretty well, but would have him traveling.

which i dont mind, really.
i dont have to be up his butt to feel like we're ok.

in fact, the last job he had that took him away from home was pretty good for us.

...late night 'i miss you' phone conversations and crazy post-separation sex?

yes, please.


however, this particular job opportunity told him to plan on being gone 40-60 days at a stretch, and home for 8-10 days, lather, rinse, repeat.

thats home 8-10 days every 3 - 4.5 months.

well, ...go fuck yourself is what i think about that.
(as well as what i would be doing more than i'd like)


the thing is- he just got medically released from a knee injury, after three surgeries in two and a half years.
and the last surgery, they removed his patella.
not replaced- removed. he no longer has one.

so- he's got a bum knee and a big ol recent lapse in employment history, even though technically he was still employed by the company he was working for when he got injured. he is stir crazy, and very afraid that he wont be able to get a job that will pay him for shit, for a long time.

and its quite possible that he's correct.


::sigh::

today he got the call that they cant take him right now because 'legal' is afraid of his permanent restrictions being a liability and too big of a risk.

he is WAY more than 'pretty let down'.
he was so excited.
he saw this as a fresh start.
he was ready for things to get moving again, and for this 2.5 year long pause in our lives to be over.

this rejection really kicked his self image, self perception, and self esteem in the dirt.

THAT part, i feel bad for.
THAT part, i regret.

the rest?


i'm glad.
(reallyreallyreally glad.)

i did not want him to get this job. i did not want to live alone and sleep alone and change houses alone and do all the STUFF that we're doing, alone. not for that long. that's a long time at once to be alone, you know?

it makes me feel insincere, when i tell him that i'm sorry he didnt get the job.

because, he KNOWS. he knows that i'm not REALLY sorry. he knows its placating, and we dont do 'placating', and that makes me feel worse- even though he understands why i'm placating.

...and he understands why i'm not really sorry.

i hope he does.

...cause i feel like a real rat bastard.


anyway- this is not very grown up of me.
the opportunity would have been good for him, and for our family.


i know that.

i just dont CARE in comparison to being away from him for such an extreme amount of time.

and i wont feel bad for THAT.

changes : rtt

yay tuesday!



ugh. ok. that was just a segway for the button. boo tuesday. boo last two weeks!



i almost posted last week.
as in - i had my post mostly written, and then my rotten 12 year old made it disappear.
i was too exhausted to try again, and it wasnt that good anyway.




i have new peeps in my 'follow me' box.
(yay new peeps! hello!!)




lately, i havent posted. i've just been skulking around, saying hi, and leaving comments when i felt it necessary.
some of you fuckers make me laugh. and, i love that about you.

i also re-decorated.
you like?
i had to seek advice from some of you, and i much appreciated your patience. and- once it occurred to me to fetch my old myspace skills from the depth of my mental wastebasket, i had fun.



so many things happening in twirlville!



um... we have made super progress on the work we're doing at craigs house. we MIGHT meet our "move-in by" deadline. i'm getting pretty nervous about that, but thats a story for a non random post.



craig got a new job that probably starts this coming monday. analyzing elements of soil samples from around oil well sites... or some crazy smart shit.

its pretty good money, but, this job will have him gone for 40-60 day stretches. i am not loving this, and very much want to ask him not to take it, but that would not be my grown up self speaking, so, for now, i'm keeping this sentiment to myself. (i'll most likely expand on this later as well)... i dont know, its just such a change from what we're used to... its gonna be really tough.



a graveyard position opened up today at work, and i think i'm gonna take it. it will combat the re-learning how to sleep alone thing, and its two dollars more an hour with the shift diff factored in. it will work out great once school starts as well. i'm hoping to not have to pay for daycare any more once my brown haired brat starts all day kindergarten in august.



yesterday, we had a freaking typhoon blow through oklahoma city.
so, that was weird.

hmm... what else?





got my abscess and exposed nerve repaired at the dentist. i'll never eat a Starburst again. ...on that side of my mouth.

what the hell is insurance for anyway? and how is DENTISTRY so fuggin expensive?? i maxed out my dental insurance and i am still out of pocket over 600 dollars. bastards.



i have several lengthy posts brewing, but, not much by way of the random today. i think i'm gonna 'introduce' you guys to those people around me that make me who i am. maybe one important person a week? or, does that sound a bit like watching slides of someones family trip to the grand canyon?



i gotta cook... or run to arbys... or read my book and ignore the pleas for dinner or something.
go see keely when you leave here, and thank her for hostessessing this fantastic event.
yes.

i said hostessessing.

now, go.

hazmat team, tooth pain, and other nonsense~ rtt.

~*~




sigh.

so, craig and i are doing well with the goal list. we cleaned his room by the 30th, which was the plan. yay us.


but... ::looks around for conspiratorially:: ...guys? between you and i, that room was unfit for a cockroach. seriously- there should have been bugs, and there wasnt any. because they are afraid of that degree of filth.

we hauled out 8 industrial sized bags of trash. the kind of bags that are so big that you have to steal them from work because Glad doesnt make them that big for the public to purchase. like- 200 gallon sized. or something. and- it was mostly trash that should have been in the kitchen trash. e.g.- take out containers, gatorade bottles, and doritos bags... that sort of stuff. the newspapers i found dated back to march of 2006.

and then we went through and discarded eleven bags of moldy, smelly clothes. the kind of mold that harms people. there is a busted window in his room that is covered, but still lets in a ton of moisture, evidently. getting that fixed is on The List.

and- i'm making him throw away his nasty infested king sized bed. i wouldnt let my dog pee on it, and i'm damn sure not gonna be naked around it.

speaking of naked- the porn was the cleanest thing in the room, and my fella is a freak.

i keep telling myself that he hasnt lived there in 2.5 years, and that he doesnt pig out like that in the home we share now, and that he was a bachelor, blah blah blah...

but, this was like an episode of Hoarders, and those people got issues.

anyhoo, now its done, and that was the worst part. thankfully.


~*~




have you ever had a toothache? know any magical cures? i have never had tooth pain, but over the weekend, i lost my filling in a Starburst, and i woke up this morning feeling like someone attacked the interior of my oral canal with a ball ping hammer.

wait- that sentence was past tense, and thats incorrect. it hasnt stopped. its only worsened as the day has gone on.

i have taken so much ibuprofen that it would be considered suicidal if i died.
i have swished with warm salt water.
i have crushed an aspirin and mixed it with pure vanilla extract and applied it as a paste.
i have sucked on a peppermint tea bag.
i have swished with NyQuil.
i have swished with Listerine.

... all lies. whomever the old wives are that have told these tales, they are all a bunch of liars. nothing helps.

i have frequently cited bilateral ear infections as my worst pain ever, including childbirth (and i had my girls Au natural). i still stand by that, however, tooth pain has bumped childbirth down a notch on the scale. i have cried real tears today. i sat in an empty room holding my face and rocking during my lunch break.

go see a dentist, you say? i would love to. i talked to several on the phone today, and the lowest quote i received after my insurance coverage, was around 700 dollars, out of pocket.

and, THATS because i'm gonna need a crown, because as i found out today when i cried to my mother, when i was 14 i had a root canal done, and it was supposed to have been crowned, and she "never got around to it".

thanks ma.

anyway, craigs sister is a dental something-or-other, and i'm hoping she will be able to get her office to let me pay it out. meanwhile, i'm just gonna have to suffer.


~*~




did everyone have a good memorial day weekend? we cleaned, as you've heard, and we went to a dinner party at a friends place on sunday night.

i met two kids, ages 17 and 19, that were guests of the hostesses sister.

these kids have never been to school. they dont know how to read. they were socially inept, and so sweet that you just wanted to squish them. and- punch their parents in the mouth. they work the land with their family, or something.

i thought stuff like that only happened in vc andrews novels.

and, i was embarrassingly fascinated with them. i taught my dad to read when i was in 4th grade. i suspect that he knew a little, but he wasnt literate by any means. how does this happen?

...those kids made me so sad that they've haunted me all weekend. i may never see them again. probably will never see them again. thats such a waste.


~*~





bought the new stone temple pilots album and its the bombdiggity, just so you know. i love it when the entire album is good, and you can just let it play.



~*~





have i mentioned that i'm blogger handicapped? i'm desperately seeking someone who can tell me how to dress my page up. where to get/ put the codes and stuff.

customize it 'yo.

and- how to link stuff so its a color that people can click on. i would like to be able to tell people to go check out The Un Mom (who hosts random thoughts tuesday) and some others that i'm loving. but, i'm not very savvy in that department yet. tutors please apply.


~*~




ugh. my fuggin face hurts, and its radiating into my ear. and i have mountains of laundry to do as a result of my daughter cleaning her room.

sigh.

happy tuesday everyone.

RTT-short and sweet

does anyone else wait anxiously for RTT?


so, my oldest, the blonde one, is out of school for the summer. she'll be home every other week, and at her dads the alternating weeks. her younger sister, the brown one, will continue her life at day care on the days i work.
unfair, right? ...i know.
i'm going to make a chore chart or something. i cant have her lying on the couch watching steve wilcos or playing on the internet all day. anyone have luck with chore charts, or have a better idea to organize her productivity?

craig and i sat down and made a goal list, complete with start dates, and deadlines. we'll see how that turns out. we've been talking about moving to his house for 2.5 years, and havent done anything to acomplish it. he's had several knee surgeries, and i work full time. in between that, we have the kids. cant take them with us to clean and stuff- the place was a 7 year old bachelor pad in its previous life. its knee deep in porn and take-out containers. today job is #1a- call plumber to replace toilet and fix leaky fawcets. #1b- call lawn guy and get estimate. piece of cake- i'm halfway done. sigh, the dirty stuff starts this weekend.
~ugh, the surrender of my safety net. i'm kinda nervous about moving, yo. we've lived in MY house for 2 years. think that dynamic will change when we move to HIS?

random tuesday thoughts, take two.

(hey, look! i remembered the button!)

~can anyone else guess the day of the week by the condition of their living room? my living room mess goes in phases that worsen as the week goes by. unless its friday thru sunday night, please dont stop by.



~i admitted the cutest, most interesting woman at work today. she reminded me of this postsecret card that i loved and saved.


i got report that she was combative and confused, which i attribute to staff impatience. i would say that she's much like a timid stray puppy- big nervous eyes watching and gauging at first, posture crouched and guarded- until spoken to softly and at her level.
when asked a direct question, there is a pause so long before she answers that you almost think you've been ignored. she then speaks very slowly, and considers her words very carefully before putting them out into the world.
she has great fear of doing anything -or anything being done to her- that she doesnt understand. and she will not oblige you until she does. i find that more than reasonable, and that kind of fire makes me smile.

she's 88, and aged in such a way that i have no hint to her ethnicity. she's all frizzy hair and bright eyes.
after a few minutes, she shyly told me that she prefers to be called "dr. whomever" and bashfully admitted that she has a phD in arts and humanities. (i was in awe when this info checked out.)
i learned that she was a concert pianist before a stroke took the use of her right hand, and affected the part of her brain that controls music appreciation. she says music now sounds clang-y and shrill at the same time, and annoys the hell out of her. she cried when she told me that, and it broke my heart.
she was then whisked away to a procedure, and i spent all day waiting on her to get back so i could... bask in her. weird, i know. i'm fascinated by old people. this lady is like hitting the mother load for me. i want to hear every story about her life that she can remember. i cant wait to go to work tomorrow.


this morning, at 530am, i was perusing ebay to see if they sold fraggle rock memorabilia, (they don't, so much, other than vhs tapes.) and i learned that fraggle rock existed as a comic book. did you know that? as the bethroed to a comic book collecting nerdball, i found it mildly interesting.


we had a giant hail storm a few days ago. i grew up here,(in oklahoma) so, its just another spring storm season to me. however, a facebook friend in michigan reposted a video she saw on youtube that a local had filmed. evidently home videos of this storm are going viral on the internet. since people everywhere are finding it interesting, this is a photo my daughter took of a piece of hail.
we were lucky enough not to have any damage.



i'm off to wash scrubs and glare at my dirty dishes. happy tuesday everyone.

boundries

.
.
.

open scene:
.
.
.

picture me, in the bathtub. thursday evening.



(insert black censoring boxes at your discretion)


i've worked too many days in a row.. i'm weary, and stressed, and desperately in need of some quiet time.

i've also been thinking a lot lately about how i havent gotten to spend any valid one-on-one with my craig in... oh... lets see... eleventeenthwentyish months?

...approximately.



i'm off for the next three days,

(oh, yes. you just heard angels sigh)

and since i'm feeling a bit gooey about missing my guy,
my intended "just a quick bath while i'm waiting on craig to get home" turned into a full blown grooming mission.

yeah- i said 'mission'.

normally- i get up at 5am if i want to throw a shower into my morning routine. i am NOT a morning person, and many times i do not wake up recognizably until after my shower, when i'm blow drying my hair . its just not safe for me to manipulate a razor around my knee caps or womanly bits that early in the morning, therefore, i do not shave stuff on most days. and i do not apologize.


so-
i've lounged quietly through one round of bubbles...
i've washed my hair, and deep conditioned...
i've scrubbed all over, and shaved my legs, ankle to thigh...
i've JUST manuevered myself into one of those ghastly positions that allows a girl to shave her junk...




when my eleven year old busts through to door yelling-



" HEY, LOOK!!
I JUST FINISHED MY PLANT CELL MODEL,
AND ITS SOOO COOL!! "



boundries.


hmph.

random tuesday thoughts

i'm a first timer at this (yay, another virginity cast aside!) and a little bit nervous. here we go...


my oldest kid has a band recital tonight. yawn. yay for her, but, really, 6th graders and horns = FANTASTIC.


today, i found out that my 2nd ex husband, the antichrist, had a warrant issued for his arrest yesterday, and i am copiously celebrating his pending incarcaration. bitchy? yes. and if you knew him, you'd be taking me out to celebrate instead of judging me while i do my happy dance, silently, in my head. he's a bastard.


...gettin' my very first mammogram tomorrow to investigate my lump. good times.


does anyone else totally get off on natural disasters? we had tornadoes in my area last night, and i LOVED it. been watching the sky all day for signs of a repeat.


we have the craziest people in at work today. mucho pain pill seekers. they're such a brutal fuck in the butt.



this was brief and not very entertaining.
just wanted to participate, and say hi, and stuffs.
happy tuesday !

confession

saw a dr today that confirmed my suspicions that my previous lump dr was a retard.

this dr wrote me an rx for a mammo before she even did the exam.

during the exam, she also planned an mri.

i found myself a regular doc. love her.



craig went to a friends tonight, and i'm jealous and unrightfully pissy. i'm pms'ish, nicotine deprived, and feeling a little bi-polar and lonely. and i'm also keeping my mouth shut about feeling this way. he deserves to have a good time. no reason to damper it with my immaturity. hope he's having fun... she says both sarcastically and sincerely.



i'm on day 7. i smoked half 2 cigs last night, but that was after a funeral and two beers, so leave me alone, jimminy cricket.


~twirl.

::enter the sound of nails tapping here::

... or a pen clicking. or gum popping. (or patience sizzling)
...you pick.

today is my first day as a non smoker. i started the patch this morning.

today wasnt really that bad. i worked all day though, so i wasnt around anyone who smokes. and i wasnt around my kids. (not to be mean- but, fuck! they make me wanna smoke and i'll be surprised if they survive.)

craig smokes, although, he's right behind me on the quitting calendar.

...so he says.
the rat bastard still hasnt bought his nicotine gum.
traitor... bitch.

the patch makes my arm cold in waves, and it itches, but not unbearably. today, i have found that i'm fighting the habit, not the nicotine, so i guess its doing its job.

i totally stashed ONE emergency cigarette, so pray for its survival.




um... news on my lump...

it seems to be getting smaller. so, yay. a dr at work explained to me why i couldnt just have a mammogram. something about the lump would show up as a type of mass no matter what its made of, so we may as well see if its made of random infection. and its shrinking, so thats good.
(the lump, i mean. not my boob. that would be not so good.)




what else?

um... craig got totally screwed on a car he just bought. he wanted an older model of a honda civic. and found one in really good shape with only 147000 miles. so he bought it for 1200. it will just be a little work car. or was going to be- until we found an oil change receipt stating the next oil change was due at...

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THOUSAND MILES.

evidently someone rolled back the ol odometer.
evidently people still do that.

(...probably NOT going to be driving that little gem across the state onto oil field sites. )




oh, and i might own a major chunk of a well known motel franchise soon.

my youngest went to 6 flags over the weekend with her aunt, and swam in the motel pool for three hours. afterward when she complained of her skin burning, her aunt found red raw places all over her body, which led to a discussion with the front desk attendant, who foolishly told her that the maintence guy chlorinated the pool at around 6ish, and should have stayed to keep people out, but didnt stay.

yeah- my daughter started swimming at about 6:10.

so, we went to the dr today, and confirmed that she does in fact have chemical burns consistant with chlorine, 1st and 2nd degree, in a hodgepodge of places. hopefully they wont scar. probably wont, according to the dr.
tomorrow, the opthamologist, to check out her peepers. merely precautionary.

poor kid.



...and i still havent smoked.


~twirl.

.

lump da lump lump luuuuump.

so, sunday night in the bathtub, during the semi-monthly exam of my girls, i found a suspicious and signifigant ~uninvited~ lump in lefty.

at first, it felt like it was about the size of half a grape, cut lenghtwise.
upon further inspection of its barriers, it upgraded to about half the size of an avacado pit, cut top to bottom. its in a weird place. not in the fatty tissue, and not very much in the actual boob part. its kind of underneath, and curving up into my cleavage, but still mostly against the chest wall. its enough in the breast tissue to still be a lump in my breast though. hard, painless, and sort of movable when manipulated.

i had the nurses at work inspect it, as well as my mother, best friend, and fiancee. basically, i asked anyone with fingers to feel it. everyones eyes got big, and i was sternly told to see a dr asap.

so, i did, today.

wait- backtrack.

i made an appt with a doctor that i know from work. he is probably 85. the nicest old man you ever did meet, but ancient. the reason i picked him, is because its rather well known that if you go to him in scrubs, he basically lets you streamline the appt. he's sort of easy to gently boss around. with the lump being in the place it is, a typical mammogram may not detect it. it may need an ultrasound or ctscan, and not every doctor will start there. i thought i could get him to order all three. or at least two of the tests.

...i would have been happy with two.

my mother and aunt, who are both rn's, freaked out when i told them who i was seeing. wanted me to go to a different doctor that they recommended. they said that my little old man doctor was incompetent, and would have the tests result sit on his desk for a week, IF he ordered it, and not remember who i was before i even hit the parking lot. they said he would probably just order me antibiotics and send me home.

...whatever ladies, i just want to get in with the first dr who will see me, order misc diagnostic tests, and tell me if i have cancer.

so, today, i saw their doctor.

sigh...

she ordered me antibiotics, and sent me home. said it was probably an abcess or infection. called it cellulitis on the charges sheet that she handed me before she sent me home. i ASKED her for a mammogram. she told me to come back in two weeks if her round of antibiotics didnt take care of it.

so... i have to wait two weeks to find out if i have cancer? i have to think about this for another two weeks? i have to catch myself fingering my lump constantly, and i have to worry that its a small cell fast growing type of cancer that is rampantly growing out of control during these 14 days that i'm taking a weak ass antibiotic for an infection that i do not have?

sure, no problem. lets do that.

dont get me wrong, i would looooove an infection. i would love it so much that i might lay out a welcome mat and hold off on the antibiotics for a little while, just so it feels appreciated. no kidding.

but, heres why that wont work:

i have ZERO sign of infection.

there is no redness, no swelling, no streaking, no fever, no discharge, no sore, no opening, no ANYTHING that would equal infection. i certainly dont have cellulitis. i treat that ten times a day, and i know what it looks like without pause. my boob does not look that way. my lump is hard, and movable, and painless, except when i cant stop messing with it, which is frequent, but it started -and is still- majorily painless. and invisible to the naked eye. there is nothing to signify infection. nothingnothingnothing to signal infection. i have no idea why this WOMAN DOCTOR is passively treating me for infection with zero signs of infection.

did i mention that i do not believe its an infection?

and lets talk about my maternal family history.
1. my grandmothers aunt had a bilateral masectomy.
2. my grandmother had a masectomy, and 6 years later other cancer bloomed.
3. my mother has implants and never gets mammograms and wouldnt tell me even if she was sick with something.
4. other family stuff that im not real clear on.
5. no medical history on my paternal side.

in case you missed it, thats a bunch of  family cancer. in my opinion, that should buy me BI-ANNUAL mammograms if i want them.

but, noooo- my lump has to wait two weeks while some idiot doctor tries unwarranted antibiotics for NOTHING.

and btw, why WOULDNT she just give me a rx for a mammogram in the meantime, during her retarded round of unnecessary antibiotics? even if its just to ease my mind?? my health insurance covers it 100 percent. she does not even have to perform it, so it doesnt even take up her time. win win.

breast + lump x strong family history = mammogram, right?

evidently, not always.

so, cross your fingers for the magic of antibiotics... she says skeptically...

::sigh::

my next two weeks are gonna suck.


...and- thanks for the referral, mom.

.

the lesson of the moth

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

~ don marquis

need

I need you.

Why is that so hard for me to say?

As I tend to do when my heart is in chaos and my thoughts are cloudy, I will freewrite. I look to the lower right hand corner of my computer and see the time. I allow myself thirty minutes to let the thoughts flow freely. I can't edit them. To do so means I am editing myself.

This may be incomplete or unclear.

To say "I need", to me, is indicative of some basic need which must be met. I need food, clothing, shelter, love, trust, respect, laughter and sunshine. Add other things to the list, they are all basic things which involve what I can bring to my life table. When it's raining outside or I’m sad in my heart, I choose to feel sunshine instead. If there is nothing else to laugh at, I will laugh at myself.
In short, "I need" and "I deliver", all by myself..

Needing another human being is all together different. To need an individual in my life means having that need met is contingent upon another human being. I don't do that very well. Depending on other people has always proven to be detrimental to me at some point or the other.

People hurt people. People have hurt me. People have made it difficult for me to need them.

I have let them into my deepest thoughts, given my trust and then been disappointed. I allowed it to be difficult. That part is on me.

Still, I know the hurt from needing is balanced by the joy. To be self-sufficient is one thing. To be selfish with our gifts or our very selves is all together something else. For me to be truly joyous in life, I know I must give of myself freely. I must love freely. To me, that is easy. I give of myself without any reservation or hesitation.

I fall short in sharing my darker side.

I don't share my pain well. I don't share my hurt well. I don't share moments of weakness, fear, failure or even desperation very well. I struggle with those things for many reasons, none of which is very relevant to need.
Unless, of course, the acknowledgement hits you that you need to be able to share of yourself, in whole. Good, bad, funny, sad, flirty, feisty, hurting, happy. In whole, from one end of the spectrum to the other.

To say, "I need you" to another human being, for me, is a huge step. It means I need something from them and reasonably expect them to be able to give me what I need.
Ahhh. Sounds incredibly self-serving, doesn't it? It is.

Maybe that is PART of why I have such an issue with it.

Truth be told, that is an easy out. Yes, it does seem selfish, but who better than a ...best friend… to help us with necessary self-preservation. If we are going to make a huge decision and can't run it by that friend, do we trust no one in this world?

Isn't it more selfish to keep that stuff to ourselves and keep invisible walls impenetrable?

It hits me from time to time that I need to be loved and accepted, unconditionally. It scares me on some level because it seems there are conditions. How incredibly stupid of me to think that I am the only person on the face of the earth who truly strives to love unconditionally. I know, when I look to those closest to me that they do, in fact, love me without condition or any reservation. I know more than a few who need me as much as I ..er…need… them.

I need to be able to count on someone for compassion, understanding, laughter, acceptance, love, insight and other things. Every now and again, I need to know that someone I love is willing to go to the wall for me, defend me and honor the depth of our relationship. I need to know that I am as necessary in their life as they are in mine. I need to let go of my own personal fears and trust them in the arms (and hearts) of those closest to me.

Even knowing this, acknowledging my internal and external needs remains a challenge.

It's ironic, really. Most of the time, it's not even about needing one particular thing from a particular person at a particular time. There are people in my life whereby I simply need their presence. I just need them, period. A phone call, a simple note, a brief connection to that part of me which is residing somewhere else. They are part of my soul and without their presence at some intermittent time, I feel like part of me is lost. I feel incomplete. It could be once a day or once a year. It varies depending on the person and the balance in our relationship.
To say "I need you" is the deepest form of love and genuine trust. I don't say it often. Maybe, , I don't recognize it,or say it often enough.

29 minutes.

such and such...

"no, i'm not full, but i dont want to eat any more of that."

... says my astonishingly brazen, not yet twelve year old.

fyi, dont try the recipe on the back of the stove top stuffing box called 'easy chicken bake'. i'll probably never live it down. evidently, its quite gross. tho- after the way my family revolted against me during and after dinner, i didnt actually eat any of it, so i cant attest to this fact firsthand. ...my fiancee once ate a june bug tho, and reacted much more favorably to the bug than the stuffing and chicken shenanigan- so i suggest we all take his word for it.

moving on...

i'm mostly feeling better. i think part of my recent funk was that i was on light duty for a very minor back injury, and i hated it. i got demoted to putting stickers on medical supplies for a week and a half, instead of being on the floor.

wait- have i talked about my job to you people yet?

i'm a Patient Care Tech at a hospital. i'm licensed as a CNA. i work in the oncology department. i take care of people and their families as they go through all the phases of cancer, be it rounds of chemo and remission, or dying. i see a lot of dying. i get close to a lot of people in ways that i cannot even offer to my own family, and then they die. as horrible as this sounds, i love my job more than a person has a right to. my only intended career move is to get the various upgrades to my nursing license, but, i will probably always work in oncology. hopefully in exactly the place i am now. i love my patients, their families, and all of my coworkers. we're exceptionally tight knit, and we go through a lot together.

you'll probably hear a lot of stories pertaining to this part of my life, so now you'll know the basics.

so- i'm back to my regular every day groove, and its nice. it has definately improved my icky disposition, for the most part, for those of you who were wondering.

i am not ready for the weekend to end. craig and i have been mildly out of sync lately, and that has cycled back on track. we're never far from each other, but, its nice when the natural ebb abates and the flow returns, you know?

we spent some time at his parents today. his dad has parkinsons, and i was startled by the degree of progression just since the last time i had seen him. craig has been telling me about it, but, seeing it yourself always has more impact. i worry about their little family. i've not gotten as close to his family as i would have liked yet in the four years we've been together. i need to be proactive about changing that. his mom looked worn down today. i want to do more to help her, but, for some reason i have always had this block when it comes to his mom. i've never been able to define to myself why that is. i would like to overcome it.

this ended up being more journal entry than blog. sorry about that. unfortunately, its sort of the way i operate sometimes. i'm in my own head today. a good place there, but in there nonetheless.

hope you werent bored.

~twirl.

unstable.

i'm in such a weird mood.

seriously. i'm being avoided like the plague.
...i think.

or, maybe i'm not being avoided, and it just feels like i am.


thats how much i dont trust my emotions right now.

yesterday, craig teasingly said to me " you're such a poor dum dum with directions" when i drove right by the place i was supposed to turn. no big deal. very mild. there was nothing mean about his tone, or the situation, or anything, and i cried. CRIED. thats not like me. it was stupid, and made him feel like poo for no reason. and i was GLAD he felt like poo. for no reason. i wasnt even mad at him.

i'm having bouts of getting pissed off with no just cause. i just went from snuggling on the couch with the brown haired kid, to feeling mad and stompy for absolutely no reason.

thats been happening all week.

however, its preferrable to the bouts of quiet and withdrawn i'm having lately... well, preferrable to me anyway. everyone around me probably doesnt mind the quiet as much as the pissed off.

and, i'm feeling all sorry for myself. all whiney and stuff.

"you're going to bed? for the night?"

(which really means 'but...who's gonna hang out with me?')
::sticks out bottom lip::

realistically, i didnt even want to hang out. that much. i wanted to sit with the laptop and zone out, because i cant stand anybody who lives in this stupid house with me anyway.

i'm usually a very level person. am i depressed? overwhelmed? underwhelmed? i dont know. ...i dont think so. but, its all coming from somewhere, right?

i hate my dog.

maybe i'm not sleeping well.

or maybe i have seasonal affective disorder. but, that wouldnt make much sense since its getting nicer and all spring-y outside.

that means i'm gonna have to start mowing soon.

::sigh::

~twirl.

cheating, sort of.

ok. i've spent about a week lurking about, and scouting out bloggers, and reading posts.

i might have found my heaven.

i intend on doing a real blog soon, but i was thumbing thru some of the blogs i had on myspace ::cringe - please dont judge:: and decided that as a starter, i would copy paste some of the old quiz questions that i liked, that sort of showed who i am. a sort of fodder for anyone who stumbles across me and wonders..


::stage whisper::


"who's that girl?"




Do you have any piercings?
~several. conch, industrial, orbital, tricus, several ear lobe piercings, navel, tongue, bottom lip, and hood.

Have you dated anyone you met online?
~went out on a date with? a couple times... had a relationship with? no.

Last time you spent $100, and what for?
~truthfully? about a week ago, and i was online shopping for porn.

Have you ever performed on stage?
~yes. i was in vocal music for 6 years.

Name one person you hate, and why:
~i don't believe in hate.

Favorite type of sock?
~i love funky patterned ones. i collect silly socks.

What is something you know that most people don't?
~the sensitivity in a woman's middle finger is decreased during her menstrual cycle…

Do you want to have kids?
~I already have 2 girls, I don't want any more.

Have you ever been high?
~like a rockstar.

Do you want to get married?
~except for the fact that i break out in a cold sweat when I hear that word, maybe someday.
**update. since that was answered, i've became happily engaged. to the same guy i was dating when this was answered three years ago**

Sneakers or flip-flops?
~flip flops, or go barefoot. I'm a barefoot kind of girl…

Do you believe in miracles?
~Absolutely, but I probably wouldn't call them that.

Would you eat human flesh for money?
~Well, that's a rather complex question isn't it? Do I know the previous owner of said flesh? Am I starving? How is it prepared, and exactly where was it originally located? and what about the money? How much are we talking about?

When is your birthday?
~August 12, 1978

Have you ever been expelled from school?
~Yes… moving along to next question now…

What was your New Year's resolution?
~This year? I intend to learn how to be an organized person…
::infectious laughter::

Do you like yourself?
~I do, in fact, And, you like me too.

Do you like photography?
~Yes, quite a bit. I went to photog school for a minute, and, then I realized that I didn't want to attend that many weddings.

What is your favorite word?
~::clap:: yay, great question! Classically, my favorite word is slosh. I find it fun… but, I have many favorite words. It's a thing of mine. I like words. Especially big interesting ones with pleasant, obscure or unexpected meanings. Seriously. i pick up a dictionary or thesaurus multi times daily. Its true. Ask my friends. I'm a total dork like that.

What annoys you?
~So many things… oh god, so many things… I hate it when people chew ice. I cant stand ghetto-spelling. And, I hate repetitive unnecessary noise… but, oddly enough, I like electronic music… hmm...

Would you smoke?
~i DO smoke.
**update. quitting is hard, but, i'm making really good progress.**

What kind of music do you hate?
~Heavy metal screaming shit. Go kill yourself already… oh, the anger!

Have you ever cut off a limb?
~Bodily, or botanical?

Your crushes first name:
~craig. ::giggle:: i just realized that i'm still totally crushing on the guy i've been with for almost 2 years. how incredible is that?
**update. now its been 4 years, and i still crush on him**

Have you ever been arrested?
~Twice.

What's your phone ringtone?
~a recording of my daughter playing me 'twinkle twinkle little star' on her saxophone

Would you flip off the president?
~I guess if he cut me off in traffic, or called me a cunt or something…

Do you study the Bible?
~No. i'm agnostic, though i admire the faith of christians.

Have you ever been high... on life?
~Yes... when my life had drugs on hand.
...been a long time though. i'm all grown up now.

What was the last compliment you GAVE?
~"Your eyes are just as pretty as mine…" which sounds rather narcissistic, when taken out of context…

Why do you like the music you do?
~Lyrics get me on most music. and, the way that feelings emote from the music and sounds.

Have you ever snunk anyone into your house?
~not since I grew up and moved out. But, previously, yes. There were a few boys who entered via my bedroom window.

Right handed? Left handed? Both?
~Left.

Do you ever cook?
~i cook frequently. sometimes, i like to, and sometimes, i cuss under my breath while doing it.

Explain what you think about abortion
~Pro-choice

Would you try to take over the world?
~I try every day

Do you sing?
~Not as a profession. As a drunken karaoke entertainer, sometimes.

Have you ever had a crush on the same sex?
~sure. that doesnt mean it was sexual tho.

Would you have plastic surgery?
~Sure.

What is your heritage?
~three quarters Irish, a bit o Scottish, a dollop of black dutch, and a sprinkling of gypsy. although, that formulation is dependant on the valid identity of my father.

Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?
~Yes.

Emotional or physical pain?
~I would rather have physical pain. My feelers are fragile

Your first crush:
~A man named Joe fly. I was 6. He was our neighbor in some dirt town I lived in as a kid. I found him dreamy. He gave me a pickle jar full of scorpions when he left town, fleeing from the long arm of the law. I've never fully recovered.

What's your favorite book?
~I have several. I read too much, and too much variety for a favorite.

Do you have a job? What is it?
~i'm a pct/cna. i take care of cancer patients.

Have you ever gone rock climbing?
~No. my people don't … climb

Have you ever been home schooled?
~No... but, I'm schooled in the ways of the street, yo.

Do you personally know any bums?
~Actually, yes. more than one. How odd to realize that…

Do you get motion sickness?
~Terribly. but, I'm such a pretty shade of green...

What's your family like?
~Probably like everyone else's. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
~Yes. complete with injury.

Have you ever been in love?
~ohgodyes

Have you ever done yoga?
~Yes.

What do you think about homosexual marriage?
~i encourage it as much as hetero marriage.

Do you sleep naked?
~sometimes, but, I'm usually more comfy in a tshirt. my shoulders get cold...

Tan or pale?
~pale. chronically. and, i'm permanently grounded from sunlight due to the fact that i recently attempted suicide via reflective raft and baby oil.

Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
~yes, but i was disappointed. i want a redo.

What's your favorite color?
~green

What's your favorite drink?
~blueberry martini's, and raspberry margaritas

What is your biggest weakness?
~men with large noses, sexy hands, a slow smile, and great cologne

Do you smile a lot?
~I try to

Have you ever skipped school?
~Yes, and even better, I've skipped AT school. watch out world!!

Would you lie to your best friend?
~No

What would you NEVER change about the past?
~the impromptu night that i went out with my mom and her nurse friends. thats the night i met craig. if i'm lucky, he'll still be holding my hand when i'm old, but, even if we ended tomorrow, i would never regret that night. meeting him enriched me as a person in ways that i would have never discovered without him.



~twirl.

overture

so... debut blog.


i'm 31 and blissfully engaged to my best friend. cliche', but true. i could spend eighteen hours a day with him and not get tired of it. which is good since we're gonna get married and live happily ever after. his name is craig.

i have two kids- girls. zoe is almost twelve and peyton is 5. zoe is athletic and funny beyond her age, and peyton is hyperactive and especially lovey.

i work at a local hospital. i'm a patient care tech in the oncology department. it pays shit. my days are bittersweet and emotionally charged. i work with the best people out there and i love what i do.

i'm sort of a perpetual student. ...not a professional student, because i work full time, but a perpetual one. i love being in school. i've conquered some of photography school, my basics, phlebotomy, and emt. i'm intending on getting my lpn soon, rn later.
i'm moderately smart.


i intend on using this as a journal of sorts. venting, sharing, and dreaming. i like other peoples business, and the people who like to share their business.

this was a bare bones post, just wanted to put one out there. its late and i'm gonna take a muscle relaxer and go to bed. not recreationally, but for a "thorasic-lumbar sprain' that i had the pleasure of receiving at work yesterday.

...which i got written up for, i might add.

evidently, i should have stopped everyone in the middle of a code and hunted down the mechanical lift to scoot a rather large woman up in bed with, instead of following the dr shouting orders for everyone to pull her up fast so he could intubate her. sure, HR, thats realistic.

bastards.

~twirl.