need

I need you.

Why is that so hard for me to say?

As I tend to do when my heart is in chaos and my thoughts are cloudy, I will freewrite. I look to the lower right hand corner of my computer and see the time. I allow myself thirty minutes to let the thoughts flow freely. I can't edit them. To do so means I am editing myself.

This may be incomplete or unclear.

To say "I need", to me, is indicative of some basic need which must be met. I need food, clothing, shelter, love, trust, respect, laughter and sunshine. Add other things to the list, they are all basic things which involve what I can bring to my life table. When it's raining outside or I’m sad in my heart, I choose to feel sunshine instead. If there is nothing else to laugh at, I will laugh at myself.
In short, "I need" and "I deliver", all by myself..

Needing another human being is all together different. To need an individual in my life means having that need met is contingent upon another human being. I don't do that very well. Depending on other people has always proven to be detrimental to me at some point or the other.

People hurt people. People have hurt me. People have made it difficult for me to need them.

I have let them into my deepest thoughts, given my trust and then been disappointed. I allowed it to be difficult. That part is on me.

Still, I know the hurt from needing is balanced by the joy. To be self-sufficient is one thing. To be selfish with our gifts or our very selves is all together something else. For me to be truly joyous in life, I know I must give of myself freely. I must love freely. To me, that is easy. I give of myself without any reservation or hesitation.

I fall short in sharing my darker side.

I don't share my pain well. I don't share my hurt well. I don't share moments of weakness, fear, failure or even desperation very well. I struggle with those things for many reasons, none of which is very relevant to need.
Unless, of course, the acknowledgement hits you that you need to be able to share of yourself, in whole. Good, bad, funny, sad, flirty, feisty, hurting, happy. In whole, from one end of the spectrum to the other.

To say, "I need you" to another human being, for me, is a huge step. It means I need something from them and reasonably expect them to be able to give me what I need.
Ahhh. Sounds incredibly self-serving, doesn't it? It is.

Maybe that is PART of why I have such an issue with it.

Truth be told, that is an easy out. Yes, it does seem selfish, but who better than a ...best friend… to help us with necessary self-preservation. If we are going to make a huge decision and can't run it by that friend, do we trust no one in this world?

Isn't it more selfish to keep that stuff to ourselves and keep invisible walls impenetrable?

It hits me from time to time that I need to be loved and accepted, unconditionally. It scares me on some level because it seems there are conditions. How incredibly stupid of me to think that I am the only person on the face of the earth who truly strives to love unconditionally. I know, when I look to those closest to me that they do, in fact, love me without condition or any reservation. I know more than a few who need me as much as I ..er…need… them.

I need to be able to count on someone for compassion, understanding, laughter, acceptance, love, insight and other things. Every now and again, I need to know that someone I love is willing to go to the wall for me, defend me and honor the depth of our relationship. I need to know that I am as necessary in their life as they are in mine. I need to let go of my own personal fears and trust them in the arms (and hearts) of those closest to me.

Even knowing this, acknowledging my internal and external needs remains a challenge.

It's ironic, really. Most of the time, it's not even about needing one particular thing from a particular person at a particular time. There are people in my life whereby I simply need their presence. I just need them, period. A phone call, a simple note, a brief connection to that part of me which is residing somewhere else. They are part of my soul and without their presence at some intermittent time, I feel like part of me is lost. I feel incomplete. It could be once a day or once a year. It varies depending on the person and the balance in our relationship.
To say "I need you" is the deepest form of love and genuine trust. I don't say it often. Maybe, , I don't recognize it,or say it often enough.

29 minutes.