evidently, i'm not really a grown up.

so- craig- my fiancee, and bf of 4.2 years, had applied for this job that pays pretty well, but would have him traveling.

which i dont mind, really.
i dont have to be up his butt to feel like we're ok.

in fact, the last job he had that took him away from home was pretty good for us.

...late night 'i miss you' phone conversations and crazy post-separation sex?

yes, please.


however, this particular job opportunity told him to plan on being gone 40-60 days at a stretch, and home for 8-10 days, lather, rinse, repeat.

thats home 8-10 days every 3 - 4.5 months.

well, ...go fuck yourself is what i think about that.
(as well as what i would be doing more than i'd like)


the thing is- he just got medically released from a knee injury, after three surgeries in two and a half years.
and the last surgery, they removed his patella.
not replaced- removed. he no longer has one.

so- he's got a bum knee and a big ol recent lapse in employment history, even though technically he was still employed by the company he was working for when he got injured. he is stir crazy, and very afraid that he wont be able to get a job that will pay him for shit, for a long time.

and its quite possible that he's correct.


::sigh::

today he got the call that they cant take him right now because 'legal' is afraid of his permanent restrictions being a liability and too big of a risk.

he is WAY more than 'pretty let down'.
he was so excited.
he saw this as a fresh start.
he was ready for things to get moving again, and for this 2.5 year long pause in our lives to be over.

this rejection really kicked his self image, self perception, and self esteem in the dirt.

THAT part, i feel bad for.
THAT part, i regret.

the rest?


i'm glad.
(reallyreallyreally glad.)

i did not want him to get this job. i did not want to live alone and sleep alone and change houses alone and do all the STUFF that we're doing, alone. not for that long. that's a long time at once to be alone, you know?

it makes me feel insincere, when i tell him that i'm sorry he didnt get the job.

because, he KNOWS. he knows that i'm not REALLY sorry. he knows its placating, and we dont do 'placating', and that makes me feel worse- even though he understands why i'm placating.

...and he understands why i'm not really sorry.

i hope he does.

...cause i feel like a real rat bastard.


anyway- this is not very grown up of me.
the opportunity would have been good for him, and for our family.


i know that.

i just dont CARE in comparison to being away from him for such an extreme amount of time.

and i wont feel bad for THAT.