RTT-short and sweet

does anyone else wait anxiously for RTT?


so, my oldest, the blonde one, is out of school for the summer. she'll be home every other week, and at her dads the alternating weeks. her younger sister, the brown one, will continue her life at day care on the days i work.
unfair, right? ...i know.
i'm going to make a chore chart or something. i cant have her lying on the couch watching steve wilcos or playing on the internet all day. anyone have luck with chore charts, or have a better idea to organize her productivity?

craig and i sat down and made a goal list, complete with start dates, and deadlines. we'll see how that turns out. we've been talking about moving to his house for 2.5 years, and havent done anything to acomplish it. he's had several knee surgeries, and i work full time. in between that, we have the kids. cant take them with us to clean and stuff- the place was a 7 year old bachelor pad in its previous life. its knee deep in porn and take-out containers. today job is #1a- call plumber to replace toilet and fix leaky fawcets. #1b- call lawn guy and get estimate. piece of cake- i'm halfway done. sigh, the dirty stuff starts this weekend.
~ugh, the surrender of my safety net. i'm kinda nervous about moving, yo. we've lived in MY house for 2 years. think that dynamic will change when we move to HIS?

random tuesday thoughts, take two.

(hey, look! i remembered the button!)

~can anyone else guess the day of the week by the condition of their living room? my living room mess goes in phases that worsen as the week goes by. unless its friday thru sunday night, please dont stop by.



~i admitted the cutest, most interesting woman at work today. she reminded me of this postsecret card that i loved and saved.


i got report that she was combative and confused, which i attribute to staff impatience. i would say that she's much like a timid stray puppy- big nervous eyes watching and gauging at first, posture crouched and guarded- until spoken to softly and at her level.
when asked a direct question, there is a pause so long before she answers that you almost think you've been ignored. she then speaks very slowly, and considers her words very carefully before putting them out into the world.
she has great fear of doing anything -or anything being done to her- that she doesnt understand. and she will not oblige you until she does. i find that more than reasonable, and that kind of fire makes me smile.

she's 88, and aged in such a way that i have no hint to her ethnicity. she's all frizzy hair and bright eyes.
after a few minutes, she shyly told me that she prefers to be called "dr. whomever" and bashfully admitted that she has a phD in arts and humanities. (i was in awe when this info checked out.)
i learned that she was a concert pianist before a stroke took the use of her right hand, and affected the part of her brain that controls music appreciation. she says music now sounds clang-y and shrill at the same time, and annoys the hell out of her. she cried when she told me that, and it broke my heart.
she was then whisked away to a procedure, and i spent all day waiting on her to get back so i could... bask in her. weird, i know. i'm fascinated by old people. this lady is like hitting the mother load for me. i want to hear every story about her life that she can remember. i cant wait to go to work tomorrow.


this morning, at 530am, i was perusing ebay to see if they sold fraggle rock memorabilia, (they don't, so much, other than vhs tapes.) and i learned that fraggle rock existed as a comic book. did you know that? as the bethroed to a comic book collecting nerdball, i found it mildly interesting.


we had a giant hail storm a few days ago. i grew up here,(in oklahoma) so, its just another spring storm season to me. however, a facebook friend in michigan reposted a video she saw on youtube that a local had filmed. evidently home videos of this storm are going viral on the internet. since people everywhere are finding it interesting, this is a photo my daughter took of a piece of hail.
we were lucky enough not to have any damage.



i'm off to wash scrubs and glare at my dirty dishes. happy tuesday everyone.

boundries

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open scene:
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picture me, in the bathtub. thursday evening.



(insert black censoring boxes at your discretion)


i've worked too many days in a row.. i'm weary, and stressed, and desperately in need of some quiet time.

i've also been thinking a lot lately about how i havent gotten to spend any valid one-on-one with my craig in... oh... lets see... eleventeenthwentyish months?

...approximately.



i'm off for the next three days,

(oh, yes. you just heard angels sigh)

and since i'm feeling a bit gooey about missing my guy,
my intended "just a quick bath while i'm waiting on craig to get home" turned into a full blown grooming mission.

yeah- i said 'mission'.

normally- i get up at 5am if i want to throw a shower into my morning routine. i am NOT a morning person, and many times i do not wake up recognizably until after my shower, when i'm blow drying my hair . its just not safe for me to manipulate a razor around my knee caps or womanly bits that early in the morning, therefore, i do not shave stuff on most days. and i do not apologize.


so-
i've lounged quietly through one round of bubbles...
i've washed my hair, and deep conditioned...
i've scrubbed all over, and shaved my legs, ankle to thigh...
i've JUST manuevered myself into one of those ghastly positions that allows a girl to shave her junk...




when my eleven year old busts through to door yelling-



" HEY, LOOK!!
I JUST FINISHED MY PLANT CELL MODEL,
AND ITS SOOO COOL!! "



boundries.


hmph.

random tuesday thoughts

i'm a first timer at this (yay, another virginity cast aside!) and a little bit nervous. here we go...


my oldest kid has a band recital tonight. yawn. yay for her, but, really, 6th graders and horns = FANTASTIC.


today, i found out that my 2nd ex husband, the antichrist, had a warrant issued for his arrest yesterday, and i am copiously celebrating his pending incarcaration. bitchy? yes. and if you knew him, you'd be taking me out to celebrate instead of judging me while i do my happy dance, silently, in my head. he's a bastard.


...gettin' my very first mammogram tomorrow to investigate my lump. good times.


does anyone else totally get off on natural disasters? we had tornadoes in my area last night, and i LOVED it. been watching the sky all day for signs of a repeat.


we have the craziest people in at work today. mucho pain pill seekers. they're such a brutal fuck in the butt.



this was brief and not very entertaining.
just wanted to participate, and say hi, and stuffs.
happy tuesday !

confession

saw a dr today that confirmed my suspicions that my previous lump dr was a retard.

this dr wrote me an rx for a mammo before she even did the exam.

during the exam, she also planned an mri.

i found myself a regular doc. love her.



craig went to a friends tonight, and i'm jealous and unrightfully pissy. i'm pms'ish, nicotine deprived, and feeling a little bi-polar and lonely. and i'm also keeping my mouth shut about feeling this way. he deserves to have a good time. no reason to damper it with my immaturity. hope he's having fun... she says both sarcastically and sincerely.



i'm on day 7. i smoked half 2 cigs last night, but that was after a funeral and two beers, so leave me alone, jimminy cricket.


~twirl.

::enter the sound of nails tapping here::

... or a pen clicking. or gum popping. (or patience sizzling)
...you pick.

today is my first day as a non smoker. i started the patch this morning.

today wasnt really that bad. i worked all day though, so i wasnt around anyone who smokes. and i wasnt around my kids. (not to be mean- but, fuck! they make me wanna smoke and i'll be surprised if they survive.)

craig smokes, although, he's right behind me on the quitting calendar.

...so he says.
the rat bastard still hasnt bought his nicotine gum.
traitor... bitch.

the patch makes my arm cold in waves, and it itches, but not unbearably. today, i have found that i'm fighting the habit, not the nicotine, so i guess its doing its job.

i totally stashed ONE emergency cigarette, so pray for its survival.




um... news on my lump...

it seems to be getting smaller. so, yay. a dr at work explained to me why i couldnt just have a mammogram. something about the lump would show up as a type of mass no matter what its made of, so we may as well see if its made of random infection. and its shrinking, so thats good.
(the lump, i mean. not my boob. that would be not so good.)




what else?

um... craig got totally screwed on a car he just bought. he wanted an older model of a honda civic. and found one in really good shape with only 147000 miles. so he bought it for 1200. it will just be a little work car. or was going to be- until we found an oil change receipt stating the next oil change was due at...

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THOUSAND MILES.

evidently someone rolled back the ol odometer.
evidently people still do that.

(...probably NOT going to be driving that little gem across the state onto oil field sites. )




oh, and i might own a major chunk of a well known motel franchise soon.

my youngest went to 6 flags over the weekend with her aunt, and swam in the motel pool for three hours. afterward when she complained of her skin burning, her aunt found red raw places all over her body, which led to a discussion with the front desk attendant, who foolishly told her that the maintence guy chlorinated the pool at around 6ish, and should have stayed to keep people out, but didnt stay.

yeah- my daughter started swimming at about 6:10.

so, we went to the dr today, and confirmed that she does in fact have chemical burns consistant with chlorine, 1st and 2nd degree, in a hodgepodge of places. hopefully they wont scar. probably wont, according to the dr.
tomorrow, the opthamologist, to check out her peepers. merely precautionary.

poor kid.



...and i still havent smoked.


~twirl.

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lump da lump lump luuuuump.

so, sunday night in the bathtub, during the semi-monthly exam of my girls, i found a suspicious and signifigant ~uninvited~ lump in lefty.

at first, it felt like it was about the size of half a grape, cut lenghtwise.
upon further inspection of its barriers, it upgraded to about half the size of an avacado pit, cut top to bottom. its in a weird place. not in the fatty tissue, and not very much in the actual boob part. its kind of underneath, and curving up into my cleavage, but still mostly against the chest wall. its enough in the breast tissue to still be a lump in my breast though. hard, painless, and sort of movable when manipulated.

i had the nurses at work inspect it, as well as my mother, best friend, and fiancee. basically, i asked anyone with fingers to feel it. everyones eyes got big, and i was sternly told to see a dr asap.

so, i did, today.

wait- backtrack.

i made an appt with a doctor that i know from work. he is probably 85. the nicest old man you ever did meet, but ancient. the reason i picked him, is because its rather well known that if you go to him in scrubs, he basically lets you streamline the appt. he's sort of easy to gently boss around. with the lump being in the place it is, a typical mammogram may not detect it. it may need an ultrasound or ctscan, and not every doctor will start there. i thought i could get him to order all three. or at least two of the tests.

...i would have been happy with two.

my mother and aunt, who are both rn's, freaked out when i told them who i was seeing. wanted me to go to a different doctor that they recommended. they said that my little old man doctor was incompetent, and would have the tests result sit on his desk for a week, IF he ordered it, and not remember who i was before i even hit the parking lot. they said he would probably just order me antibiotics and send me home.

...whatever ladies, i just want to get in with the first dr who will see me, order misc diagnostic tests, and tell me if i have cancer.

so, today, i saw their doctor.

sigh...

she ordered me antibiotics, and sent me home. said it was probably an abcess or infection. called it cellulitis on the charges sheet that she handed me before she sent me home. i ASKED her for a mammogram. she told me to come back in two weeks if her round of antibiotics didnt take care of it.

so... i have to wait two weeks to find out if i have cancer? i have to think about this for another two weeks? i have to catch myself fingering my lump constantly, and i have to worry that its a small cell fast growing type of cancer that is rampantly growing out of control during these 14 days that i'm taking a weak ass antibiotic for an infection that i do not have?

sure, no problem. lets do that.

dont get me wrong, i would looooove an infection. i would love it so much that i might lay out a welcome mat and hold off on the antibiotics for a little while, just so it feels appreciated. no kidding.

but, heres why that wont work:

i have ZERO sign of infection.

there is no redness, no swelling, no streaking, no fever, no discharge, no sore, no opening, no ANYTHING that would equal infection. i certainly dont have cellulitis. i treat that ten times a day, and i know what it looks like without pause. my boob does not look that way. my lump is hard, and movable, and painless, except when i cant stop messing with it, which is frequent, but it started -and is still- majorily painless. and invisible to the naked eye. there is nothing to signify infection. nothingnothingnothing to signal infection. i have no idea why this WOMAN DOCTOR is passively treating me for infection with zero signs of infection.

did i mention that i do not believe its an infection?

and lets talk about my maternal family history.
1. my grandmothers aunt had a bilateral masectomy.
2. my grandmother had a masectomy, and 6 years later other cancer bloomed.
3. my mother has implants and never gets mammograms and wouldnt tell me even if she was sick with something.
4. other family stuff that im not real clear on.
5. no medical history on my paternal side.

in case you missed it, thats a bunch of  family cancer. in my opinion, that should buy me BI-ANNUAL mammograms if i want them.

but, noooo- my lump has to wait two weeks while some idiot doctor tries unwarranted antibiotics for NOTHING.

and btw, why WOULDNT she just give me a rx for a mammogram in the meantime, during her retarded round of unnecessary antibiotics? even if its just to ease my mind?? my health insurance covers it 100 percent. she does not even have to perform it, so it doesnt even take up her time. win win.

breast + lump x strong family history = mammogram, right?

evidently, not always.

so, cross your fingers for the magic of antibiotics... she says skeptically...

::sigh::

my next two weeks are gonna suck.


...and- thanks for the referral, mom.

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