am not.

yawn...


no, i AM NOT staying up too late because i'm stuck on blogger... that would be silly.

what i'm actually doing is prep work.

...no, seriously. prep work.

i am INTENTIONALLY staying up (too late) on blogger because i accepted the 11p - 7a position that i mentioned a few posts ago, and i start this sunday night. i am attempting to make the mental flipping of days and nights a wee bit easier by pre-transitioning.

see how smart i am?



i've never worked the graveyard shift before. (why do they call it that, anyway?)

i suspect that i will like it after i adjust, because i despise 445am thru 11am. i am NOT a morning person. i have always been much more predisposed to being a night owl.

i'm not changing jobs, just changing shifts. which will kinda be like changing jobs a little bit, because of working with different people, i suppose.

god, i'm gonna miss my day timers. i work with the best bunch of people out there, hands down. they were really the only major point of consideration when i had this choice to make. they have become some of my best friends, and occasionally they are the only ones that i feel like can relate to me, as far as my work-life goes. i can always tell craig, or my bff about my day whenever i need to, but, they dont really get it, and i understand that.

its like... do you have that friend who goes on and on about their new new couch, or scrapbooking, or their husbands sick third cousins husband... and you listen, but, you arent that interested, and dont really care, and mostly you're just listening to let them talk because you love them, and its something they're excited about, so you just kinda ... indulge them while you're silently yearning for a topic that you can BOTH participate in?

talking to people outside of work about my job is kinda like that.

"and then this lady, who was only 52 years old, and who can walk PERFECTLY FINE made the CHOICE to just SHIT IN HER BED because she was under the very wrong impression that having an iv pole entitled her to a third party butthole butler! can you believe that shit? who does that???"

...actually- those stories are pretty funny, and most of the time my outside people enjoy hearing those. (btw- that really happened today. and the patient was a hooker. a real life hooker. with a prolapsed rectum.)

where was i? oh, yeah.

its probably more the not-funny stories that are hard to talk about to outside people.

(for my new readers, so you dont have to rummage backwards, in case you care enough to be curious...)

i am a cna on an oncology unit in a hospital. we have mostly cancer patients, whom i love with a part of my soul that is simply not available to anyone else.

i choose to work in that department. when i began in oncology, i thought i wouldnt be able to handle the emotional component that is unique to this particuliar field. and sometimes it is almost too much. sometimes, it floods pain in such huge amounts that it saturates me from the outside in.

but, theres something in these people that compensates for that. makes it worth it. a beauty and an honesty that i cant even explain. i see such strength and such goodness in my patients, and in their families. everyone is going through such a scary and difficult time, and you become part of that journey with them. its humbling how their family dynamic just melds around you as if you belong there.

so, when someone is dying, and you cant leave it at work... or just cant leave work period, or you just need to talk about someone to share who they are... or were... its almost impossible get what you are needing from someone on the outside.

but, my day-timers understand. they get it.
and i'm gonna miss that. a lot.
hopefully the night-timers will have the same vibe the one i'm leaving.

sigh.



anyway, lately we have a lot of stupid med-surg overflow patients, and i'm tired of them dirtying up my unit. we used to be exclusively oncology. my patients are immuno compromised, and i cant wait for them to get the sickies off my floor.

((**holy shit, a Roseanne re-run just came tv!
did ya'll know they still air that?**))

on the brightside, this shift change is an easier workload, and two dollars more an hour. since i'm the only one working in my household right now, can i get a woot?

evidently, i'm not really a grown up.

so- craig- my fiancee, and bf of 4.2 years, had applied for this job that pays pretty well, but would have him traveling.

which i dont mind, really.
i dont have to be up his butt to feel like we're ok.

in fact, the last job he had that took him away from home was pretty good for us.

...late night 'i miss you' phone conversations and crazy post-separation sex?

yes, please.


however, this particular job opportunity told him to plan on being gone 40-60 days at a stretch, and home for 8-10 days, lather, rinse, repeat.

thats home 8-10 days every 3 - 4.5 months.

well, ...go fuck yourself is what i think about that.
(as well as what i would be doing more than i'd like)


the thing is- he just got medically released from a knee injury, after three surgeries in two and a half years.
and the last surgery, they removed his patella.
not replaced- removed. he no longer has one.

so- he's got a bum knee and a big ol recent lapse in employment history, even though technically he was still employed by the company he was working for when he got injured. he is stir crazy, and very afraid that he wont be able to get a job that will pay him for shit, for a long time.

and its quite possible that he's correct.


::sigh::

today he got the call that they cant take him right now because 'legal' is afraid of his permanent restrictions being a liability and too big of a risk.

he is WAY more than 'pretty let down'.
he was so excited.
he saw this as a fresh start.
he was ready for things to get moving again, and for this 2.5 year long pause in our lives to be over.

this rejection really kicked his self image, self perception, and self esteem in the dirt.

THAT part, i feel bad for.
THAT part, i regret.

the rest?


i'm glad.
(reallyreallyreally glad.)

i did not want him to get this job. i did not want to live alone and sleep alone and change houses alone and do all the STUFF that we're doing, alone. not for that long. that's a long time at once to be alone, you know?

it makes me feel insincere, when i tell him that i'm sorry he didnt get the job.

because, he KNOWS. he knows that i'm not REALLY sorry. he knows its placating, and we dont do 'placating', and that makes me feel worse- even though he understands why i'm placating.

...and he understands why i'm not really sorry.

i hope he does.

...cause i feel like a real rat bastard.


anyway- this is not very grown up of me.
the opportunity would have been good for him, and for our family.


i know that.

i just dont CARE in comparison to being away from him for such an extreme amount of time.

and i wont feel bad for THAT.

changes : rtt

yay tuesday!



ugh. ok. that was just a segway for the button. boo tuesday. boo last two weeks!



i almost posted last week.
as in - i had my post mostly written, and then my rotten 12 year old made it disappear.
i was too exhausted to try again, and it wasnt that good anyway.




i have new peeps in my 'follow me' box.
(yay new peeps! hello!!)




lately, i havent posted. i've just been skulking around, saying hi, and leaving comments when i felt it necessary.
some of you fuckers make me laugh. and, i love that about you.

i also re-decorated.
you like?
i had to seek advice from some of you, and i much appreciated your patience. and- once it occurred to me to fetch my old myspace skills from the depth of my mental wastebasket, i had fun.



so many things happening in twirlville!



um... we have made super progress on the work we're doing at craigs house. we MIGHT meet our "move-in by" deadline. i'm getting pretty nervous about that, but thats a story for a non random post.



craig got a new job that probably starts this coming monday. analyzing elements of soil samples from around oil well sites... or some crazy smart shit.

its pretty good money, but, this job will have him gone for 40-60 day stretches. i am not loving this, and very much want to ask him not to take it, but that would not be my grown up self speaking, so, for now, i'm keeping this sentiment to myself. (i'll most likely expand on this later as well)... i dont know, its just such a change from what we're used to... its gonna be really tough.



a graveyard position opened up today at work, and i think i'm gonna take it. it will combat the re-learning how to sleep alone thing, and its two dollars more an hour with the shift diff factored in. it will work out great once school starts as well. i'm hoping to not have to pay for daycare any more once my brown haired brat starts all day kindergarten in august.



yesterday, we had a freaking typhoon blow through oklahoma city.
so, that was weird.

hmm... what else?





got my abscess and exposed nerve repaired at the dentist. i'll never eat a Starburst again. ...on that side of my mouth.

what the hell is insurance for anyway? and how is DENTISTRY so fuggin expensive?? i maxed out my dental insurance and i am still out of pocket over 600 dollars. bastards.



i have several lengthy posts brewing, but, not much by way of the random today. i think i'm gonna 'introduce' you guys to those people around me that make me who i am. maybe one important person a week? or, does that sound a bit like watching slides of someones family trip to the grand canyon?



i gotta cook... or run to arbys... or read my book and ignore the pleas for dinner or something.
go see keely when you leave here, and thank her for hostessessing this fantastic event.
yes.

i said hostessessing.

now, go.

hazmat team, tooth pain, and other nonsense~ rtt.

~*~




sigh.

so, craig and i are doing well with the goal list. we cleaned his room by the 30th, which was the plan. yay us.


but... ::looks around for conspiratorially:: ...guys? between you and i, that room was unfit for a cockroach. seriously- there should have been bugs, and there wasnt any. because they are afraid of that degree of filth.

we hauled out 8 industrial sized bags of trash. the kind of bags that are so big that you have to steal them from work because Glad doesnt make them that big for the public to purchase. like- 200 gallon sized. or something. and- it was mostly trash that should have been in the kitchen trash. e.g.- take out containers, gatorade bottles, and doritos bags... that sort of stuff. the newspapers i found dated back to march of 2006.

and then we went through and discarded eleven bags of moldy, smelly clothes. the kind of mold that harms people. there is a busted window in his room that is covered, but still lets in a ton of moisture, evidently. getting that fixed is on The List.

and- i'm making him throw away his nasty infested king sized bed. i wouldnt let my dog pee on it, and i'm damn sure not gonna be naked around it.

speaking of naked- the porn was the cleanest thing in the room, and my fella is a freak.

i keep telling myself that he hasnt lived there in 2.5 years, and that he doesnt pig out like that in the home we share now, and that he was a bachelor, blah blah blah...

but, this was like an episode of Hoarders, and those people got issues.

anyhoo, now its done, and that was the worst part. thankfully.


~*~




have you ever had a toothache? know any magical cures? i have never had tooth pain, but over the weekend, i lost my filling in a Starburst, and i woke up this morning feeling like someone attacked the interior of my oral canal with a ball ping hammer.

wait- that sentence was past tense, and thats incorrect. it hasnt stopped. its only worsened as the day has gone on.

i have taken so much ibuprofen that it would be considered suicidal if i died.
i have swished with warm salt water.
i have crushed an aspirin and mixed it with pure vanilla extract and applied it as a paste.
i have sucked on a peppermint tea bag.
i have swished with NyQuil.
i have swished with Listerine.

... all lies. whomever the old wives are that have told these tales, they are all a bunch of liars. nothing helps.

i have frequently cited bilateral ear infections as my worst pain ever, including childbirth (and i had my girls Au natural). i still stand by that, however, tooth pain has bumped childbirth down a notch on the scale. i have cried real tears today. i sat in an empty room holding my face and rocking during my lunch break.

go see a dentist, you say? i would love to. i talked to several on the phone today, and the lowest quote i received after my insurance coverage, was around 700 dollars, out of pocket.

and, THATS because i'm gonna need a crown, because as i found out today when i cried to my mother, when i was 14 i had a root canal done, and it was supposed to have been crowned, and she "never got around to it".

thanks ma.

anyway, craigs sister is a dental something-or-other, and i'm hoping she will be able to get her office to let me pay it out. meanwhile, i'm just gonna have to suffer.


~*~




did everyone have a good memorial day weekend? we cleaned, as you've heard, and we went to a dinner party at a friends place on sunday night.

i met two kids, ages 17 and 19, that were guests of the hostesses sister.

these kids have never been to school. they dont know how to read. they were socially inept, and so sweet that you just wanted to squish them. and- punch their parents in the mouth. they work the land with their family, or something.

i thought stuff like that only happened in vc andrews novels.

and, i was embarrassingly fascinated with them. i taught my dad to read when i was in 4th grade. i suspect that he knew a little, but he wasnt literate by any means. how does this happen?

...those kids made me so sad that they've haunted me all weekend. i may never see them again. probably will never see them again. thats such a waste.


~*~





bought the new stone temple pilots album and its the bombdiggity, just so you know. i love it when the entire album is good, and you can just let it play.



~*~





have i mentioned that i'm blogger handicapped? i'm desperately seeking someone who can tell me how to dress my page up. where to get/ put the codes and stuff.

customize it 'yo.

and- how to link stuff so its a color that people can click on. i would like to be able to tell people to go check out The Un Mom (who hosts random thoughts tuesday) and some others that i'm loving. but, i'm not very savvy in that department yet. tutors please apply.


~*~




ugh. my fuggin face hurts, and its radiating into my ear. and i have mountains of laundry to do as a result of my daughter cleaning her room.

sigh.

happy tuesday everyone.

RTT-short and sweet

does anyone else wait anxiously for RTT?


so, my oldest, the blonde one, is out of school for the summer. she'll be home every other week, and at her dads the alternating weeks. her younger sister, the brown one, will continue her life at day care on the days i work.
unfair, right? ...i know.
i'm going to make a chore chart or something. i cant have her lying on the couch watching steve wilcos or playing on the internet all day. anyone have luck with chore charts, or have a better idea to organize her productivity?

craig and i sat down and made a goal list, complete with start dates, and deadlines. we'll see how that turns out. we've been talking about moving to his house for 2.5 years, and havent done anything to acomplish it. he's had several knee surgeries, and i work full time. in between that, we have the kids. cant take them with us to clean and stuff- the place was a 7 year old bachelor pad in its previous life. its knee deep in porn and take-out containers. today job is #1a- call plumber to replace toilet and fix leaky fawcets. #1b- call lawn guy and get estimate. piece of cake- i'm halfway done. sigh, the dirty stuff starts this weekend.
~ugh, the surrender of my safety net. i'm kinda nervous about moving, yo. we've lived in MY house for 2 years. think that dynamic will change when we move to HIS?

random tuesday thoughts, take two.

(hey, look! i remembered the button!)

~can anyone else guess the day of the week by the condition of their living room? my living room mess goes in phases that worsen as the week goes by. unless its friday thru sunday night, please dont stop by.



~i admitted the cutest, most interesting woman at work today. she reminded me of this postsecret card that i loved and saved.


i got report that she was combative and confused, which i attribute to staff impatience. i would say that she's much like a timid stray puppy- big nervous eyes watching and gauging at first, posture crouched and guarded- until spoken to softly and at her level.
when asked a direct question, there is a pause so long before she answers that you almost think you've been ignored. she then speaks very slowly, and considers her words very carefully before putting them out into the world.
she has great fear of doing anything -or anything being done to her- that she doesnt understand. and she will not oblige you until she does. i find that more than reasonable, and that kind of fire makes me smile.

she's 88, and aged in such a way that i have no hint to her ethnicity. she's all frizzy hair and bright eyes.
after a few minutes, she shyly told me that she prefers to be called "dr. whomever" and bashfully admitted that she has a phD in arts and humanities. (i was in awe when this info checked out.)
i learned that she was a concert pianist before a stroke took the use of her right hand, and affected the part of her brain that controls music appreciation. she says music now sounds clang-y and shrill at the same time, and annoys the hell out of her. she cried when she told me that, and it broke my heart.
she was then whisked away to a procedure, and i spent all day waiting on her to get back so i could... bask in her. weird, i know. i'm fascinated by old people. this lady is like hitting the mother load for me. i want to hear every story about her life that she can remember. i cant wait to go to work tomorrow.


this morning, at 530am, i was perusing ebay to see if they sold fraggle rock memorabilia, (they don't, so much, other than vhs tapes.) and i learned that fraggle rock existed as a comic book. did you know that? as the bethroed to a comic book collecting nerdball, i found it mildly interesting.


we had a giant hail storm a few days ago. i grew up here,(in oklahoma) so, its just another spring storm season to me. however, a facebook friend in michigan reposted a video she saw on youtube that a local had filmed. evidently home videos of this storm are going viral on the internet. since people everywhere are finding it interesting, this is a photo my daughter took of a piece of hail.
we were lucky enough not to have any damage.



i'm off to wash scrubs and glare at my dirty dishes. happy tuesday everyone.

boundries

.
.
.

open scene:
.
.
.

picture me, in the bathtub. thursday evening.



(insert black censoring boxes at your discretion)


i've worked too many days in a row.. i'm weary, and stressed, and desperately in need of some quiet time.

i've also been thinking a lot lately about how i havent gotten to spend any valid one-on-one with my craig in... oh... lets see... eleventeenthwentyish months?

...approximately.



i'm off for the next three days,

(oh, yes. you just heard angels sigh)

and since i'm feeling a bit gooey about missing my guy,
my intended "just a quick bath while i'm waiting on craig to get home" turned into a full blown grooming mission.

yeah- i said 'mission'.

normally- i get up at 5am if i want to throw a shower into my morning routine. i am NOT a morning person, and many times i do not wake up recognizably until after my shower, when i'm blow drying my hair . its just not safe for me to manipulate a razor around my knee caps or womanly bits that early in the morning, therefore, i do not shave stuff on most days. and i do not apologize.


so-
i've lounged quietly through one round of bubbles...
i've washed my hair, and deep conditioned...
i've scrubbed all over, and shaved my legs, ankle to thigh...
i've JUST manuevered myself into one of those ghastly positions that allows a girl to shave her junk...




when my eleven year old busts through to door yelling-



" HEY, LOOK!!
I JUST FINISHED MY PLANT CELL MODEL,
AND ITS SOOO COOL!! "



boundries.


hmph.