so, sunday night in the bathtub, during the semi-monthly exam of my girls, i found a suspicious and signifigant ~uninvited~ lump in lefty.
at first, it felt like it was about the size of half a grape, cut lenghtwise.
upon further inspection of its barriers, it upgraded to about half the size of an avacado pit, cut top to bottom. its in a weird place. not in the fatty tissue, and not very much in the actual boob part. its kind of underneath, and curving up into my cleavage, but still mostly against the chest wall. its enough in the breast tissue to still be a lump in my breast though. hard, painless, and sort of movable when manipulated.
i had the nurses at work inspect it, as well as my mother, best friend, and fiancee. basically, i asked anyone with fingers to feel it. everyones eyes got big, and i was sternly told to see a dr asap.
so, i did, today.
wait- backtrack.
i made an appt with a doctor that i know from work. he is probably 85. the nicest old man you ever did meet, but ancient. the reason i picked him, is because its rather well known that if you go to him in scrubs, he basically lets you streamline the appt. he's sort of easy to gently boss around. with the lump being in the place it is, a typical mammogram may not detect it. it may need an ultrasound or ctscan, and not every doctor will start there. i thought i could get him to order all three. or at least two of the tests.
...i would have been happy with two.
my mother and aunt, who are both rn's, freaked out when i told them who i was seeing. wanted me to go to a different doctor that they recommended. they said that my little old man doctor was incompetent, and would have the tests result sit on his desk for a week, IF he ordered it, and not remember who i was before i even hit the parking lot. they said he would probably just order me antibiotics and send me home.
...whatever ladies, i just want to get in with the first dr who will see me, order misc diagnostic tests, and tell me if i have cancer.
so, today, i saw their doctor.
sigh...
she ordered me antibiotics, and sent me home. said it was probably an abcess or infection. called it cellulitis on the charges sheet that she handed me before she sent me home. i ASKED her for a mammogram. she told me to come back in two weeks if her round of antibiotics didnt take care of it.
so... i have to wait two weeks to find out if i have cancer? i have to think about this for another two weeks? i have to catch myself fingering my lump constantly, and i have to worry that its a small cell fast growing type of cancer that is rampantly growing out of control during these 14 days that i'm taking a weak ass antibiotic for an infection that i do not have?
sure, no problem. lets do that.
dont get me wrong, i would looooove an infection. i would love it so much that i might lay out a welcome mat and hold off on the antibiotics for a little while, just so it feels appreciated. no kidding.
but, heres why that wont work:
i have ZERO sign of infection.
there is no redness, no swelling, no streaking, no fever, no discharge, no sore, no opening, no ANYTHING that would equal infection. i certainly dont have cellulitis. i treat that ten times a day, and i know what it looks like without pause. my boob does not look that way. my lump is hard, and movable, and painless, except when i cant stop messing with it, which is frequent, but it started -and is still- majorily painless. and invisible to the naked eye. there is nothing to signify infection. nothingnothingnothing to signal infection. i have no idea why this WOMAN DOCTOR is passively treating me for infection with zero signs of infection.
did i mention that i do not believe its an infection?
and lets talk about my maternal family history.
1. my grandmothers aunt had a bilateral masectomy.
2. my grandmother had a masectomy, and 6 years later other cancer bloomed.
3. my mother has implants and never gets mammograms and wouldnt tell me even if she was sick with something.
4. other family stuff that im not real clear on.
5. no medical history on my paternal side.
in case you missed it, thats a bunch of family cancer. in my opinion, that should buy me BI-ANNUAL mammograms if i want them.
but, noooo- my lump has to wait two weeks while some idiot doctor tries unwarranted antibiotics for NOTHING.
and btw, why WOULDNT she just give me a rx for a mammogram in the meantime, during her retarded round of unnecessary antibiotics? even if its just to ease my mind?? my health insurance covers it 100 percent. she does not even have to perform it, so it doesnt even take up her time. win win.
breast + lump x strong family history = mammogram, right?
evidently, not always.
so, cross your fingers for the magic of antibiotics... she says skeptically...
::sigh::
my next two weeks are gonna suck.
...and- thanks for the referral, mom.
.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
the lesson of the moth
i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires
why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense
plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves
and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity
but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself
~ don marquis
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires
why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense
plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves
and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity
but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself
~ don marquis
Sunday, April 11, 2010
need
I need you.
Why is that so hard for me to say?
As I tend to do when my heart is in chaos and my thoughts are cloudy, I will freewrite. I look to the lower right hand corner of my computer and see the time. I allow myself thirty minutes to let the thoughts flow freely. I can't edit them. To do so means I am editing myself.
This may be incomplete or unclear.
To say "I need", to me, is indicative of some basic need which must be met. I need food, clothing, shelter, love, trust, respect, laughter and sunshine. Add other things to the list, they are all basic things which involve what I can bring to my life table. When it's raining outside or I’m sad in my heart, I choose to feel sunshine instead. If there is nothing else to laugh at, I will laugh at myself.
In short, "I need" and "I deliver", all by myself..
Needing another human being is all together different. To need an individual in my life means having that need met is contingent upon another human being. I don't do that very well. Depending on other people has always proven to be detrimental to me at some point or the other.
People hurt people. People have hurt me. People have made it difficult for me to need them.
I have let them into my deepest thoughts, given my trust and then been disappointed. I allowed it to be difficult. That part is on me.
Still, I know the hurt from needing is balanced by the joy. To be self-sufficient is one thing. To be selfish with our gifts or our very selves is all together something else. For me to be truly joyous in life, I know I must give of myself freely. I must love freely. To me, that is easy. I give of myself without any reservation or hesitation.
I fall short in sharing my darker side.
I don't share my pain well. I don't share my hurt well. I don't share moments of weakness, fear, failure or even desperation very well. I struggle with those things for many reasons, none of which is very relevant to need.
Unless, of course, the acknowledgement hits you that you need to be able to share of yourself, in whole. Good, bad, funny, sad, flirty, feisty, hurting, happy. In whole, from one end of the spectrum to the other.
To say, "I need you" to another human being, for me, is a huge step. It means I need something from them and reasonably expect them to be able to give me what I need.
Ahhh. Sounds incredibly self-serving, doesn't it? It is.
Maybe that is PART of why I have such an issue with it.
Truth be told, that is an easy out. Yes, it does seem selfish, but who better than a ...best friend… to help us with necessary self-preservation. If we are going to make a huge decision and can't run it by that friend, do we trust no one in this world?
Isn't it more selfish to keep that stuff to ourselves and keep invisible walls impenetrable?
It hits me from time to time that I need to be loved and accepted, unconditionally. It scares me on some level because it seems there are conditions. How incredibly stupid of me to think that I am the only person on the face of the earth who truly strives to love unconditionally. I know, when I look to those closest to me that they do, in fact, love me without condition or any reservation. I know more than a few who need me as much as I ..er…need… them.
I need to be able to count on someone for compassion, understanding, laughter, acceptance, love, insight and other things. Every now and again, I need to know that someone I love is willing to go to the wall for me, defend me and honor the depth of our relationship. I need to know that I am as necessary in their life as they are in mine. I need to let go of my own personal fears and trust them in the arms (and hearts) of those closest to me.
Even knowing this, acknowledging my internal and external needs remains a challenge.
It's ironic, really. Most of the time, it's not even about needing one particular thing from a particular person at a particular time. There are people in my life whereby I simply need their presence. I just need them, period. A phone call, a simple note, a brief connection to that part of me which is residing somewhere else. They are part of my soul and without their presence at some intermittent time, I feel like part of me is lost. I feel incomplete. It could be once a day or once a year. It varies depending on the person and the balance in our relationship.
To say "I need you" is the deepest form of love and genuine trust. I don't say it often. Maybe, , I don't recognize it,or say it often enough.
29 minutes.
Why is that so hard for me to say?
As I tend to do when my heart is in chaos and my thoughts are cloudy, I will freewrite. I look to the lower right hand corner of my computer and see the time. I allow myself thirty minutes to let the thoughts flow freely. I can't edit them. To do so means I am editing myself.
This may be incomplete or unclear.
To say "I need", to me, is indicative of some basic need which must be met. I need food, clothing, shelter, love, trust, respect, laughter and sunshine. Add other things to the list, they are all basic things which involve what I can bring to my life table. When it's raining outside or I’m sad in my heart, I choose to feel sunshine instead. If there is nothing else to laugh at, I will laugh at myself.
In short, "I need" and "I deliver", all by myself..
Needing another human being is all together different. To need an individual in my life means having that need met is contingent upon another human being. I don't do that very well. Depending on other people has always proven to be detrimental to me at some point or the other.
People hurt people. People have hurt me. People have made it difficult for me to need them.
I have let them into my deepest thoughts, given my trust and then been disappointed. I allowed it to be difficult. That part is on me.
Still, I know the hurt from needing is balanced by the joy. To be self-sufficient is one thing. To be selfish with our gifts or our very selves is all together something else. For me to be truly joyous in life, I know I must give of myself freely. I must love freely. To me, that is easy. I give of myself without any reservation or hesitation.
I fall short in sharing my darker side.
I don't share my pain well. I don't share my hurt well. I don't share moments of weakness, fear, failure or even desperation very well. I struggle with those things for many reasons, none of which is very relevant to need.
Unless, of course, the acknowledgement hits you that you need to be able to share of yourself, in whole. Good, bad, funny, sad, flirty, feisty, hurting, happy. In whole, from one end of the spectrum to the other.
To say, "I need you" to another human being, for me, is a huge step. It means I need something from them and reasonably expect them to be able to give me what I need.
Ahhh. Sounds incredibly self-serving, doesn't it? It is.
Maybe that is PART of why I have such an issue with it.
Truth be told, that is an easy out. Yes, it does seem selfish, but who better than a ...best friend… to help us with necessary self-preservation. If we are going to make a huge decision and can't run it by that friend, do we trust no one in this world?
Isn't it more selfish to keep that stuff to ourselves and keep invisible walls impenetrable?
It hits me from time to time that I need to be loved and accepted, unconditionally. It scares me on some level because it seems there are conditions. How incredibly stupid of me to think that I am the only person on the face of the earth who truly strives to love unconditionally. I know, when I look to those closest to me that they do, in fact, love me without condition or any reservation. I know more than a few who need me as much as I ..er…need… them.
I need to be able to count on someone for compassion, understanding, laughter, acceptance, love, insight and other things. Every now and again, I need to know that someone I love is willing to go to the wall for me, defend me and honor the depth of our relationship. I need to know that I am as necessary in their life as they are in mine. I need to let go of my own personal fears and trust them in the arms (and hearts) of those closest to me.
Even knowing this, acknowledging my internal and external needs remains a challenge.
It's ironic, really. Most of the time, it's not even about needing one particular thing from a particular person at a particular time. There are people in my life whereby I simply need their presence. I just need them, period. A phone call, a simple note, a brief connection to that part of me which is residing somewhere else. They are part of my soul and without their presence at some intermittent time, I feel like part of me is lost. I feel incomplete. It could be once a day or once a year. It varies depending on the person and the balance in our relationship.
To say "I need you" is the deepest form of love and genuine trust. I don't say it often. Maybe, , I don't recognize it,or say it often enough.
29 minutes.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
such and such...
"no, i'm not full, but i dont want to eat any more of that."
... says my astonishingly brazen, not yet twelve year old.
fyi, dont try the recipe on the back of the stove top stuffing box called 'easy chicken bake'. i'll probably never live it down. evidently, its quite gross. tho- after the way my family revolted against me during and after dinner, i didnt actually eat any of it, so i cant attest to this fact firsthand. ...my fiancee once ate a june bug tho, and reacted much more favorably to the bug than the stuffing and chicken shenanigan- so i suggest we all take his word for it.
moving on...
i'm mostly feeling better. i think part of my recent funk was that i was on light duty for a very minor back injury, and i hated it. i got demoted to putting stickers on medical supplies for a week and a half, instead of being on the floor.
wait- have i talked about my job to you people yet?
i'm a Patient Care Tech at a hospital. i'm licensed as a CNA. i work in the oncology department. i take care of people and their families as they go through all the phases of cancer, be it rounds of chemo and remission, or dying. i see a lot of dying. i get close to a lot of people in ways that i cannot even offer to my own family, and then they die. as horrible as this sounds, i love my job more than a person has a right to. my only intended career move is to get the various upgrades to my nursing license, but, i will probably always work in oncology. hopefully in exactly the place i am now. i love my patients, their families, and all of my coworkers. we're exceptionally tight knit, and we go through a lot together.
you'll probably hear a lot of stories pertaining to this part of my life, so now you'll know the basics.
so- i'm back to my regular every day groove, and its nice. it has definately improved my icky disposition, for the most part, for those of you who were wondering.
i am not ready for the weekend to end. craig and i have been mildly out of sync lately, and that has cycled back on track. we're never far from each other, but, its nice when the natural ebb abates and the flow returns, you know?
we spent some time at his parents today. his dad has parkinsons, and i was startled by the degree of progression just since the last time i had seen him. craig has been telling me about it, but, seeing it yourself always has more impact. i worry about their little family. i've not gotten as close to his family as i would have liked yet in the four years we've been together. i need to be proactive about changing that. his mom looked worn down today. i want to do more to help her, but, for some reason i have always had this block when it comes to his mom. i've never been able to define to myself why that is. i would like to overcome it.
this ended up being more journal entry than blog. sorry about that. unfortunately, its sort of the way i operate sometimes. i'm in my own head today. a good place there, but in there nonetheless.
hope you werent bored.
~twirl.
... says my astonishingly brazen, not yet twelve year old.
fyi, dont try the recipe on the back of the stove top stuffing box called 'easy chicken bake'. i'll probably never live it down. evidently, its quite gross. tho- after the way my family revolted against me during and after dinner, i didnt actually eat any of it, so i cant attest to this fact firsthand. ...my fiancee once ate a june bug tho, and reacted much more favorably to the bug than the stuffing and chicken shenanigan- so i suggest we all take his word for it.
moving on...
i'm mostly feeling better. i think part of my recent funk was that i was on light duty for a very minor back injury, and i hated it. i got demoted to putting stickers on medical supplies for a week and a half, instead of being on the floor.
wait- have i talked about my job to you people yet?
i'm a Patient Care Tech at a hospital. i'm licensed as a CNA. i work in the oncology department. i take care of people and their families as they go through all the phases of cancer, be it rounds of chemo and remission, or dying. i see a lot of dying. i get close to a lot of people in ways that i cannot even offer to my own family, and then they die. as horrible as this sounds, i love my job more than a person has a right to. my only intended career move is to get the various upgrades to my nursing license, but, i will probably always work in oncology. hopefully in exactly the place i am now. i love my patients, their families, and all of my coworkers. we're exceptionally tight knit, and we go through a lot together.
you'll probably hear a lot of stories pertaining to this part of my life, so now you'll know the basics.
so- i'm back to my regular every day groove, and its nice. it has definately improved my icky disposition, for the most part, for those of you who were wondering.
i am not ready for the weekend to end. craig and i have been mildly out of sync lately, and that has cycled back on track. we're never far from each other, but, its nice when the natural ebb abates and the flow returns, you know?
we spent some time at his parents today. his dad has parkinsons, and i was startled by the degree of progression just since the last time i had seen him. craig has been telling me about it, but, seeing it yourself always has more impact. i worry about their little family. i've not gotten as close to his family as i would have liked yet in the four years we've been together. i need to be proactive about changing that. his mom looked worn down today. i want to do more to help her, but, for some reason i have always had this block when it comes to his mom. i've never been able to define to myself why that is. i would like to overcome it.
this ended up being more journal entry than blog. sorry about that. unfortunately, its sort of the way i operate sometimes. i'm in my own head today. a good place there, but in there nonetheless.
hope you werent bored.
~twirl.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
unstable.
i'm in such a weird mood.
seriously. i'm being avoided like the plague.
...i think.
or, maybe i'm not being avoided, and it just feels like i am.
thats how much i dont trust my emotions right now.
yesterday, craig teasingly said to me " you're such a poor dum dum with directions" when i drove right by the place i was supposed to turn. no big deal. very mild. there was nothing mean about his tone, or the situation, or anything, and i cried. CRIED. thats not like me. it was stupid, and made him feel like poo for no reason. and i was GLAD he felt like poo. for no reason. i wasnt even mad at him.
i'm having bouts of getting pissed off with no just cause. i just went from snuggling on the couch with the brown haired kid, to feeling mad and stompy for absolutely no reason.
thats been happening all week.
however, its preferrable to the bouts of quiet and withdrawn i'm having lately... well, preferrable to me anyway. everyone around me probably doesnt mind the quiet as much as the pissed off.
and, i'm feeling all sorry for myself. all whiney and stuff.
"you're going to bed? for the night?"
(which really means 'but...who's gonna hang out with me?')
::sticks out bottom lip::
realistically, i didnt even want to hang out. that much. i wanted to sit with the laptop and zone out, because i cant stand anybody who lives in this stupid house with me anyway.
i'm usually a very level person. am i depressed? overwhelmed? underwhelmed? i dont know. ...i dont think so. but, its all coming from somewhere, right?
i hate my dog.
maybe i'm not sleeping well.
or maybe i have seasonal affective disorder. but, that wouldnt make much sense since its getting nicer and all spring-y outside.
that means i'm gonna have to start mowing soon.
::sigh::
~twirl.
seriously. i'm being avoided like the plague.
...i think.
or, maybe i'm not being avoided, and it just feels like i am.
thats how much i dont trust my emotions right now.
yesterday, craig teasingly said to me " you're such a poor dum dum with directions" when i drove right by the place i was supposed to turn. no big deal. very mild. there was nothing mean about his tone, or the situation, or anything, and i cried. CRIED. thats not like me. it was stupid, and made him feel like poo for no reason. and i was GLAD he felt like poo. for no reason. i wasnt even mad at him.
i'm having bouts of getting pissed off with no just cause. i just went from snuggling on the couch with the brown haired kid, to feeling mad and stompy for absolutely no reason.
thats been happening all week.
however, its preferrable to the bouts of quiet and withdrawn i'm having lately... well, preferrable to me anyway. everyone around me probably doesnt mind the quiet as much as the pissed off.
and, i'm feeling all sorry for myself. all whiney and stuff.
"you're going to bed? for the night?"
(which really means 'but...who's gonna hang out with me?')
::sticks out bottom lip::
realistically, i didnt even want to hang out. that much. i wanted to sit with the laptop and zone out, because i cant stand anybody who lives in this stupid house with me anyway.
i'm usually a very level person. am i depressed? overwhelmed? underwhelmed? i dont know. ...i dont think so. but, its all coming from somewhere, right?
i hate my dog.
maybe i'm not sleeping well.
or maybe i have seasonal affective disorder. but, that wouldnt make much sense since its getting nicer and all spring-y outside.
that means i'm gonna have to start mowing soon.
::sigh::
~twirl.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
cheating, sort of.
ok. i've spent about a week lurking about, and scouting out bloggers, and reading posts.
i might have found my heaven.
i intend on doing a real blog soon, but i was thumbing thru some of the blogs i had on myspace ::cringe - please dont judge:: and decided that as a starter, i would copy paste some of the old quiz questions that i liked, that sort of showed who i am. a sort of fodder for anyone who stumbles across me and wonders..
::stage whisper::
"who's that girl?"
Do you have any piercings?
~several. conch, industrial, orbital, tricus, several ear lobe piercings, navel, tongue, bottom lip, and hood.
Have you dated anyone you met online?
~went out on a date with? a couple times... had a relationship with? no.
Last time you spent $100, and what for?
~truthfully? about a week ago, and i was online shopping for porn.
Have you ever performed on stage?
~yes. i was in vocal music for 6 years.
Name one person you hate, and why:
~i don't believe in hate.
Favorite type of sock?
~i love funky patterned ones. i collect silly socks.
What is something you know that most people don't?
~the sensitivity in a woman's middle finger is decreased during her menstrual cycle…
Do you want to have kids?
~I already have 2 girls, I don't want any more.
Have you ever been high?
~like a rockstar.
Do you want to get married?
~except for the fact that i break out in a cold sweat when I hear that word, maybe someday.
**update. since that was answered, i've became happily engaged. to the same guy i was dating when this was answered three years ago**
Sneakers or flip-flops?
~flip flops, or go barefoot. I'm a barefoot kind of girl…
Do you believe in miracles?
~Absolutely, but I probably wouldn't call them that.
Would you eat human flesh for money?
~Well, that's a rather complex question isn't it? Do I know the previous owner of said flesh? Am I starving? How is it prepared, and exactly where was it originally located? and what about the money? How much are we talking about?
When is your birthday?
~August 12, 1978
Have you ever been expelled from school?
~Yes… moving along to next question now…
What was your New Year's resolution?
~This year? I intend to learn how to be an organized person…
::infectious laughter::
Do you like yourself?
~I do, in fact, And, you like me too.
Do you like photography?
~Yes, quite a bit. I went to photog school for a minute, and, then I realized that I didn't want to attend that many weddings.
What is your favorite word?
~::clap:: yay, great question! Classically, my favorite word is slosh. I find it fun… but, I have many favorite words. It's a thing of mine. I like words. Especially big interesting ones with pleasant, obscure or unexpected meanings. Seriously. i pick up a dictionary or thesaurus multi times daily. Its true. Ask my friends. I'm a total dork like that.
What annoys you?
~So many things… oh god, so many things… I hate it when people chew ice. I cant stand ghetto-spelling. And, I hate repetitive unnecessary noise… but, oddly enough, I like electronic music… hmm...
Would you smoke?
~i DO smoke.
**update. quitting is hard, but, i'm making really good progress.**
What kind of music do you hate?
~Heavy metal screaming shit. Go kill yourself already… oh, the anger!
Have you ever cut off a limb?
~Bodily, or botanical?
Your crushes first name:
~craig. ::giggle:: i just realized that i'm still totally crushing on the guy i've been with for almost 2 years. how incredible is that?
**update. now its been 4 years, and i still crush on him**
Have you ever been arrested?
~Twice.
What's your phone ringtone?
~a recording of my daughter playing me 'twinkle twinkle little star' on her saxophone
Would you flip off the president?
~I guess if he cut me off in traffic, or called me a cunt or something…
Do you study the Bible?
~No. i'm agnostic, though i admire the faith of christians.
Have you ever been high... on life?
~Yes... when my life had drugs on hand.
...been a long time though. i'm all grown up now.
What was the last compliment you GAVE?
~"Your eyes are just as pretty as mine…" which sounds rather narcissistic, when taken out of context…
Why do you like the music you do?
~Lyrics get me on most music. and, the way that feelings emote from the music and sounds.
Have you ever snunk anyone into your house?
~not since I grew up and moved out. But, previously, yes. There were a few boys who entered via my bedroom window.
Right handed? Left handed? Both?
~Left.
Do you ever cook?
~i cook frequently. sometimes, i like to, and sometimes, i cuss under my breath while doing it.
Explain what you think about abortion
~Pro-choice
Would you try to take over the world?
~I try every day
Do you sing?
~Not as a profession. As a drunken karaoke entertainer, sometimes.
Have you ever had a crush on the same sex?
~sure. that doesnt mean it was sexual tho.
Would you have plastic surgery?
~Sure.
What is your heritage?
~three quarters Irish, a bit o Scottish, a dollop of black dutch, and a sprinkling of gypsy. although, that formulation is dependant on the valid identity of my father.
Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?
~Yes.
Emotional or physical pain?
~I would rather have physical pain. My feelers are fragile
Your first crush:
~A man named Joe fly. I was 6. He was our neighbor in some dirt town I lived in as a kid. I found him dreamy. He gave me a pickle jar full of scorpions when he left town, fleeing from the long arm of the law. I've never fully recovered.
What's your favorite book?
~I have several. I read too much, and too much variety for a favorite.
Do you have a job? What is it?
~i'm a pct/cna. i take care of cancer patients.
Have you ever gone rock climbing?
~No. my people don't … climb
Have you ever been home schooled?
~No... but, I'm schooled in the ways of the street, yo.
Do you personally know any bums?
~Actually, yes. more than one. How odd to realize that…
Do you get motion sickness?
~Terribly. but, I'm such a pretty shade of green...
What's your family like?
~Probably like everyone else's. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
~Yes. complete with injury.
Have you ever been in love?
~ohgodyes
Have you ever done yoga?
~Yes.
What do you think about homosexual marriage?
~i encourage it as much as hetero marriage.
Do you sleep naked?
~sometimes, but, I'm usually more comfy in a tshirt. my shoulders get cold...
Tan or pale?
~pale. chronically. and, i'm permanently grounded from sunlight due to the fact that i recently attempted suicide via reflective raft and baby oil.
Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
~yes, but i was disappointed. i want a redo.
What's your favorite color?
~green
What's your favorite drink?
~blueberry martini's, and raspberry margaritas
What is your biggest weakness?
~men with large noses, sexy hands, a slow smile, and great cologne
Do you smile a lot?
~I try to
Have you ever skipped school?
~Yes, and even better, I've skipped AT school. watch out world!!
Would you lie to your best friend?
~No
What would you NEVER change about the past?
~the impromptu night that i went out with my mom and her nurse friends. thats the night i met craig. if i'm lucky, he'll still be holding my hand when i'm old, but, even if we ended tomorrow, i would never regret that night. meeting him enriched me as a person in ways that i would have never discovered without him.
~twirl.
i might have found my heaven.
i intend on doing a real blog soon, but i was thumbing thru some of the blogs i had on myspace ::cringe - please dont judge:: and decided that as a starter, i would copy paste some of the old quiz questions that i liked, that sort of showed who i am. a sort of fodder for anyone who stumbles across me and wonders..
::stage whisper::
"who's that girl?"
Do you have any piercings?
~several. conch, industrial, orbital, tricus, several ear lobe piercings, navel, tongue, bottom lip, and hood.
Have you dated anyone you met online?
~went out on a date with? a couple times... had a relationship with? no.
Last time you spent $100, and what for?
~truthfully? about a week ago, and i was online shopping for porn.
Have you ever performed on stage?
~yes. i was in vocal music for 6 years.
Name one person you hate, and why:
~i don't believe in hate.
Favorite type of sock?
~i love funky patterned ones. i collect silly socks.
What is something you know that most people don't?
~the sensitivity in a woman's middle finger is decreased during her menstrual cycle…
Do you want to have kids?
~I already have 2 girls, I don't want any more.
Have you ever been high?
~like a rockstar.
Do you want to get married?
~except for the fact that i break out in a cold sweat when I hear that word, maybe someday.
**update. since that was answered, i've became happily engaged. to the same guy i was dating when this was answered three years ago**
Sneakers or flip-flops?
~flip flops, or go barefoot. I'm a barefoot kind of girl…
Do you believe in miracles?
~Absolutely, but I probably wouldn't call them that.
Would you eat human flesh for money?
~Well, that's a rather complex question isn't it? Do I know the previous owner of said flesh? Am I starving? How is it prepared, and exactly where was it originally located? and what about the money? How much are we talking about?
When is your birthday?
~August 12, 1978
Have you ever been expelled from school?
~Yes… moving along to next question now…
What was your New Year's resolution?
~This year? I intend to learn how to be an organized person…
::infectious laughter::
Do you like yourself?
~I do, in fact, And, you like me too.
Do you like photography?
~Yes, quite a bit. I went to photog school for a minute, and, then I realized that I didn't want to attend that many weddings.
What is your favorite word?
~::clap:: yay, great question! Classically, my favorite word is slosh. I find it fun… but, I have many favorite words. It's a thing of mine. I like words. Especially big interesting ones with pleasant, obscure or unexpected meanings. Seriously. i pick up a dictionary or thesaurus multi times daily. Its true. Ask my friends. I'm a total dork like that.
What annoys you?
~So many things… oh god, so many things… I hate it when people chew ice. I cant stand ghetto-spelling. And, I hate repetitive unnecessary noise… but, oddly enough, I like electronic music… hmm...
Would you smoke?
~i DO smoke.
**update. quitting is hard, but, i'm making really good progress.**
What kind of music do you hate?
~Heavy metal screaming shit. Go kill yourself already… oh, the anger!
Have you ever cut off a limb?
~Bodily, or botanical?
Your crushes first name:
~craig. ::giggle:: i just realized that i'm still totally crushing on the guy i've been with for almost 2 years. how incredible is that?
**update. now its been 4 years, and i still crush on him**
Have you ever been arrested?
~Twice.
What's your phone ringtone?
~a recording of my daughter playing me 'twinkle twinkle little star' on her saxophone
Would you flip off the president?
~I guess if he cut me off in traffic, or called me a cunt or something…
Do you study the Bible?
~No. i'm agnostic, though i admire the faith of christians.
Have you ever been high... on life?
~Yes... when my life had drugs on hand.
...been a long time though. i'm all grown up now.
What was the last compliment you GAVE?
~"Your eyes are just as pretty as mine…" which sounds rather narcissistic, when taken out of context…
Why do you like the music you do?
~Lyrics get me on most music. and, the way that feelings emote from the music and sounds.
Have you ever snunk anyone into your house?
~not since I grew up and moved out. But, previously, yes. There were a few boys who entered via my bedroom window.
Right handed? Left handed? Both?
~Left.
Do you ever cook?
~i cook frequently. sometimes, i like to, and sometimes, i cuss under my breath while doing it.
Explain what you think about abortion
~Pro-choice
Would you try to take over the world?
~I try every day
Do you sing?
~Not as a profession. As a drunken karaoke entertainer, sometimes.
Have you ever had a crush on the same sex?
~sure. that doesnt mean it was sexual tho.
Would you have plastic surgery?
~Sure.
What is your heritage?
~three quarters Irish, a bit o Scottish, a dollop of black dutch, and a sprinkling of gypsy. although, that formulation is dependant on the valid identity of my father.
Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?
~Yes.
Emotional or physical pain?
~I would rather have physical pain. My feelers are fragile
Your first crush:
~A man named Joe fly. I was 6. He was our neighbor in some dirt town I lived in as a kid. I found him dreamy. He gave me a pickle jar full of scorpions when he left town, fleeing from the long arm of the law. I've never fully recovered.
What's your favorite book?
~I have several. I read too much, and too much variety for a favorite.
Do you have a job? What is it?
~i'm a pct/cna. i take care of cancer patients.
Have you ever gone rock climbing?
~No. my people don't … climb
Have you ever been home schooled?
~No... but, I'm schooled in the ways of the street, yo.
Do you personally know any bums?
~Actually, yes. more than one. How odd to realize that…
Do you get motion sickness?
~Terribly. but, I'm such a pretty shade of green...
What's your family like?
~Probably like everyone else's. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
~Yes. complete with injury.
Have you ever been in love?
~ohgodyes
Have you ever done yoga?
~Yes.
What do you think about homosexual marriage?
~i encourage it as much as hetero marriage.
Do you sleep naked?
~sometimes, but, I'm usually more comfy in a tshirt. my shoulders get cold...
Tan or pale?
~pale. chronically. and, i'm permanently grounded from sunlight due to the fact that i recently attempted suicide via reflective raft and baby oil.
Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
~yes, but i was disappointed. i want a redo.
What's your favorite color?
~green
What's your favorite drink?
~blueberry martini's, and raspberry margaritas
What is your biggest weakness?
~men with large noses, sexy hands, a slow smile, and great cologne
Do you smile a lot?
~I try to
Have you ever skipped school?
~Yes, and even better, I've skipped AT school. watch out world!!
Would you lie to your best friend?
~No
What would you NEVER change about the past?
~the impromptu night that i went out with my mom and her nurse friends. thats the night i met craig. if i'm lucky, he'll still be holding my hand when i'm old, but, even if we ended tomorrow, i would never regret that night. meeting him enriched me as a person in ways that i would have never discovered without him.
~twirl.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
overture
so... debut blog.
i'm 31 and blissfully engaged to my best friend. cliche', but true. i could spend eighteen hours a day with him and not get tired of it. which is good since we're gonna get married and live happily ever after. his name is craig.
i have two kids- girls. zoe is almost twelve and peyton is 5. zoe is athletic and funny beyond her age, and peyton is hyperactive and especially lovey.
i work at a local hospital. i'm a patient care tech in the oncology department. it pays shit. my days are bittersweet and emotionally charged. i work with the best people out there and i love what i do.
i'm sort of a perpetual student. ...not a professional student, because i work full time, but a perpetual one. i love being in school. i've conquered some of photography school, my basics, phlebotomy, and emt. i'm intending on getting my lpn soon, rn later.
i'm moderately smart.
i intend on using this as a journal of sorts. venting, sharing, and dreaming. i like other peoples business, and the people who like to share their business.
this was a bare bones post, just wanted to put one out there. its late and i'm gonna take a muscle relaxer and go to bed. not recreationally, but for a "thorasic-lumbar sprain' that i had the pleasure of receiving at work yesterday.
...which i got written up for, i might add.
evidently, i should have stopped everyone in the middle of a code and hunted down the mechanical lift to scoot a rather large woman up in bed with, instead of following the dr shouting orders for everyone to pull her up fast so he could intubate her. sure, HR, thats realistic.
bastards.
~twirl.
i'm 31 and blissfully engaged to my best friend. cliche', but true. i could spend eighteen hours a day with him and not get tired of it. which is good since we're gonna get married and live happily ever after. his name is craig.
i have two kids- girls. zoe is almost twelve and peyton is 5. zoe is athletic and funny beyond her age, and peyton is hyperactive and especially lovey.
i work at a local hospital. i'm a patient care tech in the oncology department. it pays shit. my days are bittersweet and emotionally charged. i work with the best people out there and i love what i do.
i'm sort of a perpetual student. ...not a professional student, because i work full time, but a perpetual one. i love being in school. i've conquered some of photography school, my basics, phlebotomy, and emt. i'm intending on getting my lpn soon, rn later.
i'm moderately smart.
i intend on using this as a journal of sorts. venting, sharing, and dreaming. i like other peoples business, and the people who like to share their business.
this was a bare bones post, just wanted to put one out there. its late and i'm gonna take a muscle relaxer and go to bed. not recreationally, but for a "thorasic-lumbar sprain' that i had the pleasure of receiving at work yesterday.
...which i got written up for, i might add.
evidently, i should have stopped everyone in the middle of a code and hunted down the mechanical lift to scoot a rather large woman up in bed with, instead of following the dr shouting orders for everyone to pull her up fast so he could intubate her. sure, HR, thats realistic.
bastards.
~twirl.
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