it. is. fucking. hot.

that makes me irrationally angry.

i am tired of body parts sticking to other body parts that they should not stick to.
i am tired of my hair feeling gross an hour after i wash it because of the sticky layer of sweat that i cannot get away from.
i am tired of the weather dictating what i can cook for dinner or when i can do my laundry without turning the house into a goddamn Auschwitz oven.

...and i need to be outside weed-eating and doing yard stuff. THAT means entering similar conditions but throwing in a shit ton of bugs to stick to my sticky sweaty skin.

...which improves my mood exponentially.

~*~


on a brighter side, i joined a gym.
my goal is to work out on my way to my 11p shift, and tan on my home at 7a.
i intend to do this 3-4 days a week.

i've never belonged to a gym, and have no idea how to do anything on the circuit machines. i figure i'll do the bike and treadmill and elliptical until i make a 'gym friend'.


i'm on a corporate account with work, so at $20 a month, even if i never make a 'gym friend' and only use those machines and tan, it will be worth it, if only for the alone time that money will buy me.

::sigh::

did i mention that the a/c in my jeep does not work, and that my three window units are insufficient to my meager square footage?  ergo- i'm melting as i type this, so off i go to donn my headphones and brave the great outdoors, bugs and all.

twirl.

tiny. round. navy blue... yay Lunesta.

so, i completed my first 4 day run at the night shift.

and i have no idea why a llama is my sleep aide mascot.


my flipping days and nights is wreaking havoc on my sleeping, so, i've resorted to using lunesta. lunesta is my favorite sleeping pill, hands down. even with the metal taste. it knocks me down enough to make me comfortably wobbly, and then OUT like a light for 4-5 hours before i finally might wake up to pee. at this point i can choose to stay up and be functional without that sleeping pill hangover, or go back to bed and sleep really good for a few more hours. and i still dream with this medication, sometimes more vividly than without taking anything. with other meds, i usually do not dream at all. overall- gold star to Lunesta go there and try the 7 day trial, or if you use it already, theres a coupon for their crazy ass prices. i just used the copay coupon, and it went thru without a single hiccup.

its completely different than what i'm used to on days. soooo much slower paced.so slow in fact, that i read a novel tonight. in its entirety. my patient interaction is down to minimal, and i dont love my nurses as much as i would have liked, but that may change in time.

so much else i wanted to say before i got sleepy, but i'm afraid it may not happen. sorry guys, i'll finish a better post later, after i get my permanent crown on at the dentist,

loves and kisses and dreamy wishes,
twirl.

i'm so in love with this.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Published 1927.

am not.

yawn...


no, i AM NOT staying up too late because i'm stuck on blogger... that would be silly.

what i'm actually doing is prep work.

...no, seriously. prep work.

i am INTENTIONALLY staying up (too late) on blogger because i accepted the 11p - 7a position that i mentioned a few posts ago, and i start this sunday night. i am attempting to make the mental flipping of days and nights a wee bit easier by pre-transitioning.

see how smart i am?



i've never worked the graveyard shift before. (why do they call it that, anyway?)

i suspect that i will like it after i adjust, because i despise 445am thru 11am. i am NOT a morning person. i have always been much more predisposed to being a night owl.

i'm not changing jobs, just changing shifts. which will kinda be like changing jobs a little bit, because of working with different people, i suppose.

god, i'm gonna miss my day timers. i work with the best bunch of people out there, hands down. they were really the only major point of consideration when i had this choice to make. they have become some of my best friends, and occasionally they are the only ones that i feel like can relate to me, as far as my work-life goes. i can always tell craig, or my bff about my day whenever i need to, but, they dont really get it, and i understand that.

its like... do you have that friend who goes on and on about their new new couch, or scrapbooking, or their husbands sick third cousins husband... and you listen, but, you arent that interested, and dont really care, and mostly you're just listening to let them talk because you love them, and its something they're excited about, so you just kinda ... indulge them while you're silently yearning for a topic that you can BOTH participate in?

talking to people outside of work about my job is kinda like that.

"and then this lady, who was only 52 years old, and who can walk PERFECTLY FINE made the CHOICE to just SHIT IN HER BED because she was under the very wrong impression that having an iv pole entitled her to a third party butthole butler! can you believe that shit? who does that???"

...actually- those stories are pretty funny, and most of the time my outside people enjoy hearing those. (btw- that really happened today. and the patient was a hooker. a real life hooker. with a prolapsed rectum.)

where was i? oh, yeah.

its probably more the not-funny stories that are hard to talk about to outside people.

(for my new readers, so you dont have to rummage backwards, in case you care enough to be curious...)

i am a cna on an oncology unit in a hospital. we have mostly cancer patients, whom i love with a part of my soul that is simply not available to anyone else.

i choose to work in that department. when i began in oncology, i thought i wouldnt be able to handle the emotional component that is unique to this particuliar field. and sometimes it is almost too much. sometimes, it floods pain in such huge amounts that it saturates me from the outside in.

but, theres something in these people that compensates for that. makes it worth it. a beauty and an honesty that i cant even explain. i see such strength and such goodness in my patients, and in their families. everyone is going through such a scary and difficult time, and you become part of that journey with them. its humbling how their family dynamic just melds around you as if you belong there.

so, when someone is dying, and you cant leave it at work... or just cant leave work period, or you just need to talk about someone to share who they are... or were... its almost impossible get what you are needing from someone on the outside.

but, my day-timers understand. they get it.
and i'm gonna miss that. a lot.
hopefully the night-timers will have the same vibe the one i'm leaving.

sigh.



anyway, lately we have a lot of stupid med-surg overflow patients, and i'm tired of them dirtying up my unit. we used to be exclusively oncology. my patients are immuno compromised, and i cant wait for them to get the sickies off my floor.

((**holy shit, a Roseanne re-run just came tv!
did ya'll know they still air that?**))

on the brightside, this shift change is an easier workload, and two dollars more an hour. since i'm the only one working in my household right now, can i get a woot?

evidently, i'm not really a grown up.

so- craig- my fiancee, and bf of 4.2 years, had applied for this job that pays pretty well, but would have him traveling.

which i dont mind, really.
i dont have to be up his butt to feel like we're ok.

in fact, the last job he had that took him away from home was pretty good for us.

...late night 'i miss you' phone conversations and crazy post-separation sex?

yes, please.


however, this particular job opportunity told him to plan on being gone 40-60 days at a stretch, and home for 8-10 days, lather, rinse, repeat.

thats home 8-10 days every 3 - 4.5 months.

well, ...go fuck yourself is what i think about that.
(as well as what i would be doing more than i'd like)


the thing is- he just got medically released from a knee injury, after three surgeries in two and a half years.
and the last surgery, they removed his patella.
not replaced- removed. he no longer has one.

so- he's got a bum knee and a big ol recent lapse in employment history, even though technically he was still employed by the company he was working for when he got injured. he is stir crazy, and very afraid that he wont be able to get a job that will pay him for shit, for a long time.

and its quite possible that he's correct.


::sigh::

today he got the call that they cant take him right now because 'legal' is afraid of his permanent restrictions being a liability and too big of a risk.

he is WAY more than 'pretty let down'.
he was so excited.
he saw this as a fresh start.
he was ready for things to get moving again, and for this 2.5 year long pause in our lives to be over.

this rejection really kicked his self image, self perception, and self esteem in the dirt.

THAT part, i feel bad for.
THAT part, i regret.

the rest?


i'm glad.
(reallyreallyreally glad.)

i did not want him to get this job. i did not want to live alone and sleep alone and change houses alone and do all the STUFF that we're doing, alone. not for that long. that's a long time at once to be alone, you know?

it makes me feel insincere, when i tell him that i'm sorry he didnt get the job.

because, he KNOWS. he knows that i'm not REALLY sorry. he knows its placating, and we dont do 'placating', and that makes me feel worse- even though he understands why i'm placating.

...and he understands why i'm not really sorry.

i hope he does.

...cause i feel like a real rat bastard.


anyway- this is not very grown up of me.
the opportunity would have been good for him, and for our family.


i know that.

i just dont CARE in comparison to being away from him for such an extreme amount of time.

and i wont feel bad for THAT.

changes : rtt

yay tuesday!



ugh. ok. that was just a segway for the button. boo tuesday. boo last two weeks!



i almost posted last week.
as in - i had my post mostly written, and then my rotten 12 year old made it disappear.
i was too exhausted to try again, and it wasnt that good anyway.




i have new peeps in my 'follow me' box.
(yay new peeps! hello!!)




lately, i havent posted. i've just been skulking around, saying hi, and leaving comments when i felt it necessary.
some of you fuckers make me laugh. and, i love that about you.

i also re-decorated.
you like?
i had to seek advice from some of you, and i much appreciated your patience. and- once it occurred to me to fetch my old myspace skills from the depth of my mental wastebasket, i had fun.



so many things happening in twirlville!



um... we have made super progress on the work we're doing at craigs house. we MIGHT meet our "move-in by" deadline. i'm getting pretty nervous about that, but thats a story for a non random post.



craig got a new job that probably starts this coming monday. analyzing elements of soil samples from around oil well sites... or some crazy smart shit.

its pretty good money, but, this job will have him gone for 40-60 day stretches. i am not loving this, and very much want to ask him not to take it, but that would not be my grown up self speaking, so, for now, i'm keeping this sentiment to myself. (i'll most likely expand on this later as well)... i dont know, its just such a change from what we're used to... its gonna be really tough.



a graveyard position opened up today at work, and i think i'm gonna take it. it will combat the re-learning how to sleep alone thing, and its two dollars more an hour with the shift diff factored in. it will work out great once school starts as well. i'm hoping to not have to pay for daycare any more once my brown haired brat starts all day kindergarten in august.



yesterday, we had a freaking typhoon blow through oklahoma city.
so, that was weird.

hmm... what else?





got my abscess and exposed nerve repaired at the dentist. i'll never eat a Starburst again. ...on that side of my mouth.

what the hell is insurance for anyway? and how is DENTISTRY so fuggin expensive?? i maxed out my dental insurance and i am still out of pocket over 600 dollars. bastards.



i have several lengthy posts brewing, but, not much by way of the random today. i think i'm gonna 'introduce' you guys to those people around me that make me who i am. maybe one important person a week? or, does that sound a bit like watching slides of someones family trip to the grand canyon?



i gotta cook... or run to arbys... or read my book and ignore the pleas for dinner or something.
go see keely when you leave here, and thank her for hostessessing this fantastic event.
yes.

i said hostessessing.

now, go.

hazmat team, tooth pain, and other nonsense~ rtt.

~*~




sigh.

so, craig and i are doing well with the goal list. we cleaned his room by the 30th, which was the plan. yay us.


but... ::looks around for conspiratorially:: ...guys? between you and i, that room was unfit for a cockroach. seriously- there should have been bugs, and there wasnt any. because they are afraid of that degree of filth.

we hauled out 8 industrial sized bags of trash. the kind of bags that are so big that you have to steal them from work because Glad doesnt make them that big for the public to purchase. like- 200 gallon sized. or something. and- it was mostly trash that should have been in the kitchen trash. e.g.- take out containers, gatorade bottles, and doritos bags... that sort of stuff. the newspapers i found dated back to march of 2006.

and then we went through and discarded eleven bags of moldy, smelly clothes. the kind of mold that harms people. there is a busted window in his room that is covered, but still lets in a ton of moisture, evidently. getting that fixed is on The List.

and- i'm making him throw away his nasty infested king sized bed. i wouldnt let my dog pee on it, and i'm damn sure not gonna be naked around it.

speaking of naked- the porn was the cleanest thing in the room, and my fella is a freak.

i keep telling myself that he hasnt lived there in 2.5 years, and that he doesnt pig out like that in the home we share now, and that he was a bachelor, blah blah blah...

but, this was like an episode of Hoarders, and those people got issues.

anyhoo, now its done, and that was the worst part. thankfully.


~*~




have you ever had a toothache? know any magical cures? i have never had tooth pain, but over the weekend, i lost my filling in a Starburst, and i woke up this morning feeling like someone attacked the interior of my oral canal with a ball ping hammer.

wait- that sentence was past tense, and thats incorrect. it hasnt stopped. its only worsened as the day has gone on.

i have taken so much ibuprofen that it would be considered suicidal if i died.
i have swished with warm salt water.
i have crushed an aspirin and mixed it with pure vanilla extract and applied it as a paste.
i have sucked on a peppermint tea bag.
i have swished with NyQuil.
i have swished with Listerine.

... all lies. whomever the old wives are that have told these tales, they are all a bunch of liars. nothing helps.

i have frequently cited bilateral ear infections as my worst pain ever, including childbirth (and i had my girls Au natural). i still stand by that, however, tooth pain has bumped childbirth down a notch on the scale. i have cried real tears today. i sat in an empty room holding my face and rocking during my lunch break.

go see a dentist, you say? i would love to. i talked to several on the phone today, and the lowest quote i received after my insurance coverage, was around 700 dollars, out of pocket.

and, THATS because i'm gonna need a crown, because as i found out today when i cried to my mother, when i was 14 i had a root canal done, and it was supposed to have been crowned, and she "never got around to it".

thanks ma.

anyway, craigs sister is a dental something-or-other, and i'm hoping she will be able to get her office to let me pay it out. meanwhile, i'm just gonna have to suffer.


~*~




did everyone have a good memorial day weekend? we cleaned, as you've heard, and we went to a dinner party at a friends place on sunday night.

i met two kids, ages 17 and 19, that were guests of the hostesses sister.

these kids have never been to school. they dont know how to read. they were socially inept, and so sweet that you just wanted to squish them. and- punch their parents in the mouth. they work the land with their family, or something.

i thought stuff like that only happened in vc andrews novels.

and, i was embarrassingly fascinated with them. i taught my dad to read when i was in 4th grade. i suspect that he knew a little, but he wasnt literate by any means. how does this happen?

...those kids made me so sad that they've haunted me all weekend. i may never see them again. probably will never see them again. thats such a waste.


~*~





bought the new stone temple pilots album and its the bombdiggity, just so you know. i love it when the entire album is good, and you can just let it play.



~*~





have i mentioned that i'm blogger handicapped? i'm desperately seeking someone who can tell me how to dress my page up. where to get/ put the codes and stuff.

customize it 'yo.

and- how to link stuff so its a color that people can click on. i would like to be able to tell people to go check out The Un Mom (who hosts random thoughts tuesday) and some others that i'm loving. but, i'm not very savvy in that department yet. tutors please apply.


~*~




ugh. my fuggin face hurts, and its radiating into my ear. and i have mountains of laundry to do as a result of my daughter cleaning her room.

sigh.

happy tuesday everyone.