lump da lump lump luuuuump.

so, sunday night in the bathtub, during the semi-monthly exam of my girls, i found a suspicious and signifigant ~uninvited~ lump in lefty.

at first, it felt like it was about the size of half a grape, cut lenghtwise.
upon further inspection of its barriers, it upgraded to about half the size of an avacado pit, cut top to bottom. its in a weird place. not in the fatty tissue, and not very much in the actual boob part. its kind of underneath, and curving up into my cleavage, but still mostly against the chest wall. its enough in the breast tissue to still be a lump in my breast though. hard, painless, and sort of movable when manipulated.

i had the nurses at work inspect it, as well as my mother, best friend, and fiancee. basically, i asked anyone with fingers to feel it. everyones eyes got big, and i was sternly told to see a dr asap.

so, i did, today.

wait- backtrack.

i made an appt with a doctor that i know from work. he is probably 85. the nicest old man you ever did meet, but ancient. the reason i picked him, is because its rather well known that if you go to him in scrubs, he basically lets you streamline the appt. he's sort of easy to gently boss around. with the lump being in the place it is, a typical mammogram may not detect it. it may need an ultrasound or ctscan, and not every doctor will start there. i thought i could get him to order all three. or at least two of the tests.

...i would have been happy with two.

my mother and aunt, who are both rn's, freaked out when i told them who i was seeing. wanted me to go to a different doctor that they recommended. they said that my little old man doctor was incompetent, and would have the tests result sit on his desk for a week, IF he ordered it, and not remember who i was before i even hit the parking lot. they said he would probably just order me antibiotics and send me home.

...whatever ladies, i just want to get in with the first dr who will see me, order misc diagnostic tests, and tell me if i have cancer.

so, today, i saw their doctor.

sigh...

she ordered me antibiotics, and sent me home. said it was probably an abcess or infection. called it cellulitis on the charges sheet that she handed me before she sent me home. i ASKED her for a mammogram. she told me to come back in two weeks if her round of antibiotics didnt take care of it.

so... i have to wait two weeks to find out if i have cancer? i have to think about this for another two weeks? i have to catch myself fingering my lump constantly, and i have to worry that its a small cell fast growing type of cancer that is rampantly growing out of control during these 14 days that i'm taking a weak ass antibiotic for an infection that i do not have?

sure, no problem. lets do that.

dont get me wrong, i would looooove an infection. i would love it so much that i might lay out a welcome mat and hold off on the antibiotics for a little while, just so it feels appreciated. no kidding.

but, heres why that wont work:

i have ZERO sign of infection.

there is no redness, no swelling, no streaking, no fever, no discharge, no sore, no opening, no ANYTHING that would equal infection. i certainly dont have cellulitis. i treat that ten times a day, and i know what it looks like without pause. my boob does not look that way. my lump is hard, and movable, and painless, except when i cant stop messing with it, which is frequent, but it started -and is still- majorily painless. and invisible to the naked eye. there is nothing to signify infection. nothingnothingnothing to signal infection. i have no idea why this WOMAN DOCTOR is passively treating me for infection with zero signs of infection.

did i mention that i do not believe its an infection?

and lets talk about my maternal family history.
1. my grandmothers aunt had a bilateral masectomy.
2. my grandmother had a masectomy, and 6 years later other cancer bloomed.
3. my mother has implants and never gets mammograms and wouldnt tell me even if she was sick with something.
4. other family stuff that im not real clear on.
5. no medical history on my paternal side.

in case you missed it, thats a bunch of  family cancer. in my opinion, that should buy me BI-ANNUAL mammograms if i want them.

but, noooo- my lump has to wait two weeks while some idiot doctor tries unwarranted antibiotics for NOTHING.

and btw, why WOULDNT she just give me a rx for a mammogram in the meantime, during her retarded round of unnecessary antibiotics? even if its just to ease my mind?? my health insurance covers it 100 percent. she does not even have to perform it, so it doesnt even take up her time. win win.

breast + lump x strong family history = mammogram, right?

evidently, not always.

so, cross your fingers for the magic of antibiotics... she says skeptically...

::sigh::

my next two weeks are gonna suck.


...and- thanks for the referral, mom.

.

the lesson of the moth

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

~ don marquis

need

I need you.

Why is that so hard for me to say?

As I tend to do when my heart is in chaos and my thoughts are cloudy, I will freewrite. I look to the lower right hand corner of my computer and see the time. I allow myself thirty minutes to let the thoughts flow freely. I can't edit them. To do so means I am editing myself.

This may be incomplete or unclear.

To say "I need", to me, is indicative of some basic need which must be met. I need food, clothing, shelter, love, trust, respect, laughter and sunshine. Add other things to the list, they are all basic things which involve what I can bring to my life table. When it's raining outside or I’m sad in my heart, I choose to feel sunshine instead. If there is nothing else to laugh at, I will laugh at myself.
In short, "I need" and "I deliver", all by myself..

Needing another human being is all together different. To need an individual in my life means having that need met is contingent upon another human being. I don't do that very well. Depending on other people has always proven to be detrimental to me at some point or the other.

People hurt people. People have hurt me. People have made it difficult for me to need them.

I have let them into my deepest thoughts, given my trust and then been disappointed. I allowed it to be difficult. That part is on me.

Still, I know the hurt from needing is balanced by the joy. To be self-sufficient is one thing. To be selfish with our gifts or our very selves is all together something else. For me to be truly joyous in life, I know I must give of myself freely. I must love freely. To me, that is easy. I give of myself without any reservation or hesitation.

I fall short in sharing my darker side.

I don't share my pain well. I don't share my hurt well. I don't share moments of weakness, fear, failure or even desperation very well. I struggle with those things for many reasons, none of which is very relevant to need.
Unless, of course, the acknowledgement hits you that you need to be able to share of yourself, in whole. Good, bad, funny, sad, flirty, feisty, hurting, happy. In whole, from one end of the spectrum to the other.

To say, "I need you" to another human being, for me, is a huge step. It means I need something from them and reasonably expect them to be able to give me what I need.
Ahhh. Sounds incredibly self-serving, doesn't it? It is.

Maybe that is PART of why I have such an issue with it.

Truth be told, that is an easy out. Yes, it does seem selfish, but who better than a ...best friend… to help us with necessary self-preservation. If we are going to make a huge decision and can't run it by that friend, do we trust no one in this world?

Isn't it more selfish to keep that stuff to ourselves and keep invisible walls impenetrable?

It hits me from time to time that I need to be loved and accepted, unconditionally. It scares me on some level because it seems there are conditions. How incredibly stupid of me to think that I am the only person on the face of the earth who truly strives to love unconditionally. I know, when I look to those closest to me that they do, in fact, love me without condition or any reservation. I know more than a few who need me as much as I ..er…need… them.

I need to be able to count on someone for compassion, understanding, laughter, acceptance, love, insight and other things. Every now and again, I need to know that someone I love is willing to go to the wall for me, defend me and honor the depth of our relationship. I need to know that I am as necessary in their life as they are in mine. I need to let go of my own personal fears and trust them in the arms (and hearts) of those closest to me.

Even knowing this, acknowledging my internal and external needs remains a challenge.

It's ironic, really. Most of the time, it's not even about needing one particular thing from a particular person at a particular time. There are people in my life whereby I simply need their presence. I just need them, period. A phone call, a simple note, a brief connection to that part of me which is residing somewhere else. They are part of my soul and without their presence at some intermittent time, I feel like part of me is lost. I feel incomplete. It could be once a day or once a year. It varies depending on the person and the balance in our relationship.
To say "I need you" is the deepest form of love and genuine trust. I don't say it often. Maybe, , I don't recognize it,or say it often enough.

29 minutes.