"no, i'm not full, but i dont want to eat any more of that."
... says my astonishingly brazen, not yet twelve year old.
fyi, dont try the recipe on the back of the stove top stuffing box called 'easy chicken bake'. i'll probably never live it down. evidently, its quite gross. tho- after the way my family revolted against me during and after dinner, i didnt actually eat any of it, so i cant attest to this fact firsthand. ...my fiancee once ate a june bug tho, and reacted much more favorably to the bug than the stuffing and chicken shenanigan- so i suggest we all take his word for it.
moving on...
i'm mostly feeling better. i think part of my recent funk was that i was on light duty for a very minor back injury, and i hated it. i got demoted to putting stickers on medical supplies for a week and a half, instead of being on the floor.
wait- have i talked about my job to you people yet?
i'm a Patient Care Tech at a hospital. i'm licensed as a CNA. i work in the oncology department. i take care of people and their families as they go through all the phases of cancer, be it rounds of chemo and remission, or dying. i see a lot of dying. i get close to a lot of people in ways that i cannot even offer to my own family, and then they die. as horrible as this sounds, i love my job more than a person has a right to. my only intended career move is to get the various upgrades to my nursing license, but, i will probably always work in oncology. hopefully in exactly the place i am now. i love my patients, their families, and all of my coworkers. we're exceptionally tight knit, and we go through a lot together.
you'll probably hear a lot of stories pertaining to this part of my life, so now you'll know the basics.
so- i'm back to my regular every day groove, and its nice. it has definately improved my icky disposition, for the most part, for those of you who were wondering.
i am not ready for the weekend to end. craig and i have been mildly out of sync lately, and that has cycled back on track. we're never far from each other, but, its nice when the natural ebb abates and the flow returns, you know?
we spent some time at his parents today. his dad has parkinsons, and i was startled by the degree of progression just since the last time i had seen him. craig has been telling me about it, but, seeing it yourself always has more impact. i worry about their little family. i've not gotten as close to his family as i would have liked yet in the four years we've been together. i need to be proactive about changing that. his mom looked worn down today. i want to do more to help her, but, for some reason i have always had this block when it comes to his mom. i've never been able to define to myself why that is. i would like to overcome it.
this ended up being more journal entry than blog. sorry about that. unfortunately, its sort of the way i operate sometimes. i'm in my own head today. a good place there, but in there nonetheless.
hope you werent bored.
~twirl.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
unstable.
i'm in such a weird mood.
seriously. i'm being avoided like the plague.
...i think.
or, maybe i'm not being avoided, and it just feels like i am.
thats how much i dont trust my emotions right now.
yesterday, craig teasingly said to me " you're such a poor dum dum with directions" when i drove right by the place i was supposed to turn. no big deal. very mild. there was nothing mean about his tone, or the situation, or anything, and i cried. CRIED. thats not like me. it was stupid, and made him feel like poo for no reason. and i was GLAD he felt like poo. for no reason. i wasnt even mad at him.
i'm having bouts of getting pissed off with no just cause. i just went from snuggling on the couch with the brown haired kid, to feeling mad and stompy for absolutely no reason.
thats been happening all week.
however, its preferrable to the bouts of quiet and withdrawn i'm having lately... well, preferrable to me anyway. everyone around me probably doesnt mind the quiet as much as the pissed off.
and, i'm feeling all sorry for myself. all whiney and stuff.
"you're going to bed? for the night?"
(which really means 'but...who's gonna hang out with me?')
::sticks out bottom lip::
realistically, i didnt even want to hang out. that much. i wanted to sit with the laptop and zone out, because i cant stand anybody who lives in this stupid house with me anyway.
i'm usually a very level person. am i depressed? overwhelmed? underwhelmed? i dont know. ...i dont think so. but, its all coming from somewhere, right?
i hate my dog.
maybe i'm not sleeping well.
or maybe i have seasonal affective disorder. but, that wouldnt make much sense since its getting nicer and all spring-y outside.
that means i'm gonna have to start mowing soon.
::sigh::
~twirl.
seriously. i'm being avoided like the plague.
...i think.
or, maybe i'm not being avoided, and it just feels like i am.
thats how much i dont trust my emotions right now.
yesterday, craig teasingly said to me " you're such a poor dum dum with directions" when i drove right by the place i was supposed to turn. no big deal. very mild. there was nothing mean about his tone, or the situation, or anything, and i cried. CRIED. thats not like me. it was stupid, and made him feel like poo for no reason. and i was GLAD he felt like poo. for no reason. i wasnt even mad at him.
i'm having bouts of getting pissed off with no just cause. i just went from snuggling on the couch with the brown haired kid, to feeling mad and stompy for absolutely no reason.
thats been happening all week.
however, its preferrable to the bouts of quiet and withdrawn i'm having lately... well, preferrable to me anyway. everyone around me probably doesnt mind the quiet as much as the pissed off.
and, i'm feeling all sorry for myself. all whiney and stuff.
"you're going to bed? for the night?"
(which really means 'but...who's gonna hang out with me?')
::sticks out bottom lip::
realistically, i didnt even want to hang out. that much. i wanted to sit with the laptop and zone out, because i cant stand anybody who lives in this stupid house with me anyway.
i'm usually a very level person. am i depressed? overwhelmed? underwhelmed? i dont know. ...i dont think so. but, its all coming from somewhere, right?
i hate my dog.
maybe i'm not sleeping well.
or maybe i have seasonal affective disorder. but, that wouldnt make much sense since its getting nicer and all spring-y outside.
that means i'm gonna have to start mowing soon.
::sigh::
~twirl.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
cheating, sort of.
ok. i've spent about a week lurking about, and scouting out bloggers, and reading posts.
i might have found my heaven.
i intend on doing a real blog soon, but i was thumbing thru some of the blogs i had on myspace ::cringe - please dont judge:: and decided that as a starter, i would copy paste some of the old quiz questions that i liked, that sort of showed who i am. a sort of fodder for anyone who stumbles across me and wonders..
::stage whisper::
"who's that girl?"
Do you have any piercings?
~several. conch, industrial, orbital, tricus, several ear lobe piercings, navel, tongue, bottom lip, and hood.
Have you dated anyone you met online?
~went out on a date with? a couple times... had a relationship with? no.
Last time you spent $100, and what for?
~truthfully? about a week ago, and i was online shopping for porn.
Have you ever performed on stage?
~yes. i was in vocal music for 6 years.
Name one person you hate, and why:
~i don't believe in hate.
Favorite type of sock?
~i love funky patterned ones. i collect silly socks.
What is something you know that most people don't?
~the sensitivity in a woman's middle finger is decreased during her menstrual cycle…
Do you want to have kids?
~I already have 2 girls, I don't want any more.
Have you ever been high?
~like a rockstar.
Do you want to get married?
~except for the fact that i break out in a cold sweat when I hear that word, maybe someday.
**update. since that was answered, i've became happily engaged. to the same guy i was dating when this was answered three years ago**
Sneakers or flip-flops?
~flip flops, or go barefoot. I'm a barefoot kind of girl…
Do you believe in miracles?
~Absolutely, but I probably wouldn't call them that.
Would you eat human flesh for money?
~Well, that's a rather complex question isn't it? Do I know the previous owner of said flesh? Am I starving? How is it prepared, and exactly where was it originally located? and what about the money? How much are we talking about?
When is your birthday?
~August 12, 1978
Have you ever been expelled from school?
~Yes… moving along to next question now…
What was your New Year's resolution?
~This year? I intend to learn how to be an organized person…
::infectious laughter::
Do you like yourself?
~I do, in fact, And, you like me too.
Do you like photography?
~Yes, quite a bit. I went to photog school for a minute, and, then I realized that I didn't want to attend that many weddings.
What is your favorite word?
~::clap:: yay, great question! Classically, my favorite word is slosh. I find it fun… but, I have many favorite words. It's a thing of mine. I like words. Especially big interesting ones with pleasant, obscure or unexpected meanings. Seriously. i pick up a dictionary or thesaurus multi times daily. Its true. Ask my friends. I'm a total dork like that.
What annoys you?
~So many things… oh god, so many things… I hate it when people chew ice. I cant stand ghetto-spelling. And, I hate repetitive unnecessary noise… but, oddly enough, I like electronic music… hmm...
Would you smoke?
~i DO smoke.
**update. quitting is hard, but, i'm making really good progress.**
What kind of music do you hate?
~Heavy metal screaming shit. Go kill yourself already… oh, the anger!
Have you ever cut off a limb?
~Bodily, or botanical?
Your crushes first name:
~craig. ::giggle:: i just realized that i'm still totally crushing on the guy i've been with for almost 2 years. how incredible is that?
**update. now its been 4 years, and i still crush on him**
Have you ever been arrested?
~Twice.
What's your phone ringtone?
~a recording of my daughter playing me 'twinkle twinkle little star' on her saxophone
Would you flip off the president?
~I guess if he cut me off in traffic, or called me a cunt or something…
Do you study the Bible?
~No. i'm agnostic, though i admire the faith of christians.
Have you ever been high... on life?
~Yes... when my life had drugs on hand.
...been a long time though. i'm all grown up now.
What was the last compliment you GAVE?
~"Your eyes are just as pretty as mine…" which sounds rather narcissistic, when taken out of context…
Why do you like the music you do?
~Lyrics get me on most music. and, the way that feelings emote from the music and sounds.
Have you ever snunk anyone into your house?
~not since I grew up and moved out. But, previously, yes. There were a few boys who entered via my bedroom window.
Right handed? Left handed? Both?
~Left.
Do you ever cook?
~i cook frequently. sometimes, i like to, and sometimes, i cuss under my breath while doing it.
Explain what you think about abortion
~Pro-choice
Would you try to take over the world?
~I try every day
Do you sing?
~Not as a profession. As a drunken karaoke entertainer, sometimes.
Have you ever had a crush on the same sex?
~sure. that doesnt mean it was sexual tho.
Would you have plastic surgery?
~Sure.
What is your heritage?
~three quarters Irish, a bit o Scottish, a dollop of black dutch, and a sprinkling of gypsy. although, that formulation is dependant on the valid identity of my father.
Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?
~Yes.
Emotional or physical pain?
~I would rather have physical pain. My feelers are fragile
Your first crush:
~A man named Joe fly. I was 6. He was our neighbor in some dirt town I lived in as a kid. I found him dreamy. He gave me a pickle jar full of scorpions when he left town, fleeing from the long arm of the law. I've never fully recovered.
What's your favorite book?
~I have several. I read too much, and too much variety for a favorite.
Do you have a job? What is it?
~i'm a pct/cna. i take care of cancer patients.
Have you ever gone rock climbing?
~No. my people don't … climb
Have you ever been home schooled?
~No... but, I'm schooled in the ways of the street, yo.
Do you personally know any bums?
~Actually, yes. more than one. How odd to realize that…
Do you get motion sickness?
~Terribly. but, I'm such a pretty shade of green...
What's your family like?
~Probably like everyone else's. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
~Yes. complete with injury.
Have you ever been in love?
~ohgodyes
Have you ever done yoga?
~Yes.
What do you think about homosexual marriage?
~i encourage it as much as hetero marriage.
Do you sleep naked?
~sometimes, but, I'm usually more comfy in a tshirt. my shoulders get cold...
Tan or pale?
~pale. chronically. and, i'm permanently grounded from sunlight due to the fact that i recently attempted suicide via reflective raft and baby oil.
Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
~yes, but i was disappointed. i want a redo.
What's your favorite color?
~green
What's your favorite drink?
~blueberry martini's, and raspberry margaritas
What is your biggest weakness?
~men with large noses, sexy hands, a slow smile, and great cologne
Do you smile a lot?
~I try to
Have you ever skipped school?
~Yes, and even better, I've skipped AT school. watch out world!!
Would you lie to your best friend?
~No
What would you NEVER change about the past?
~the impromptu night that i went out with my mom and her nurse friends. thats the night i met craig. if i'm lucky, he'll still be holding my hand when i'm old, but, even if we ended tomorrow, i would never regret that night. meeting him enriched me as a person in ways that i would have never discovered without him.
~twirl.
i might have found my heaven.
i intend on doing a real blog soon, but i was thumbing thru some of the blogs i had on myspace ::cringe - please dont judge:: and decided that as a starter, i would copy paste some of the old quiz questions that i liked, that sort of showed who i am. a sort of fodder for anyone who stumbles across me and wonders..
::stage whisper::
"who's that girl?"
Do you have any piercings?
~several. conch, industrial, orbital, tricus, several ear lobe piercings, navel, tongue, bottom lip, and hood.
Have you dated anyone you met online?
~went out on a date with? a couple times... had a relationship with? no.
Last time you spent $100, and what for?
~truthfully? about a week ago, and i was online shopping for porn.
Have you ever performed on stage?
~yes. i was in vocal music for 6 years.
Name one person you hate, and why:
~i don't believe in hate.
Favorite type of sock?
~i love funky patterned ones. i collect silly socks.
What is something you know that most people don't?
~the sensitivity in a woman's middle finger is decreased during her menstrual cycle…
Do you want to have kids?
~I already have 2 girls, I don't want any more.
Have you ever been high?
~like a rockstar.
Do you want to get married?
~except for the fact that i break out in a cold sweat when I hear that word, maybe someday.
**update. since that was answered, i've became happily engaged. to the same guy i was dating when this was answered three years ago**
Sneakers or flip-flops?
~flip flops, or go barefoot. I'm a barefoot kind of girl…
Do you believe in miracles?
~Absolutely, but I probably wouldn't call them that.
Would you eat human flesh for money?
~Well, that's a rather complex question isn't it? Do I know the previous owner of said flesh? Am I starving? How is it prepared, and exactly where was it originally located? and what about the money? How much are we talking about?
When is your birthday?
~August 12, 1978
Have you ever been expelled from school?
~Yes… moving along to next question now…
What was your New Year's resolution?
~This year? I intend to learn how to be an organized person…
::infectious laughter::
Do you like yourself?
~I do, in fact, And, you like me too.
Do you like photography?
~Yes, quite a bit. I went to photog school for a minute, and, then I realized that I didn't want to attend that many weddings.
What is your favorite word?
~::clap:: yay, great question! Classically, my favorite word is slosh. I find it fun… but, I have many favorite words. It's a thing of mine. I like words. Especially big interesting ones with pleasant, obscure or unexpected meanings. Seriously. i pick up a dictionary or thesaurus multi times daily. Its true. Ask my friends. I'm a total dork like that.
What annoys you?
~So many things… oh god, so many things… I hate it when people chew ice. I cant stand ghetto-spelling. And, I hate repetitive unnecessary noise… but, oddly enough, I like electronic music… hmm...
Would you smoke?
~i DO smoke.
**update. quitting is hard, but, i'm making really good progress.**
What kind of music do you hate?
~Heavy metal screaming shit. Go kill yourself already… oh, the anger!
Have you ever cut off a limb?
~Bodily, or botanical?
Your crushes first name:
~craig. ::giggle:: i just realized that i'm still totally crushing on the guy i've been with for almost 2 years. how incredible is that?
**update. now its been 4 years, and i still crush on him**
Have you ever been arrested?
~Twice.
What's your phone ringtone?
~a recording of my daughter playing me 'twinkle twinkle little star' on her saxophone
Would you flip off the president?
~I guess if he cut me off in traffic, or called me a cunt or something…
Do you study the Bible?
~No. i'm agnostic, though i admire the faith of christians.
Have you ever been high... on life?
~Yes... when my life had drugs on hand.
...been a long time though. i'm all grown up now.
What was the last compliment you GAVE?
~"Your eyes are just as pretty as mine…" which sounds rather narcissistic, when taken out of context…
Why do you like the music you do?
~Lyrics get me on most music. and, the way that feelings emote from the music and sounds.
Have you ever snunk anyone into your house?
~not since I grew up and moved out. But, previously, yes. There were a few boys who entered via my bedroom window.
Right handed? Left handed? Both?
~Left.
Do you ever cook?
~i cook frequently. sometimes, i like to, and sometimes, i cuss under my breath while doing it.
Explain what you think about abortion
~Pro-choice
Would you try to take over the world?
~I try every day
Do you sing?
~Not as a profession. As a drunken karaoke entertainer, sometimes.
Have you ever had a crush on the same sex?
~sure. that doesnt mean it was sexual tho.
Would you have plastic surgery?
~Sure.
What is your heritage?
~three quarters Irish, a bit o Scottish, a dollop of black dutch, and a sprinkling of gypsy. although, that formulation is dependant on the valid identity of my father.
Have you ever made a promise you'd die to keep?
~Yes.
Emotional or physical pain?
~I would rather have physical pain. My feelers are fragile
Your first crush:
~A man named Joe fly. I was 6. He was our neighbor in some dirt town I lived in as a kid. I found him dreamy. He gave me a pickle jar full of scorpions when he left town, fleeing from the long arm of the law. I've never fully recovered.
What's your favorite book?
~I have several. I read too much, and too much variety for a favorite.
Do you have a job? What is it?
~i'm a pct/cna. i take care of cancer patients.
Have you ever gone rock climbing?
~No. my people don't … climb
Have you ever been home schooled?
~No... but, I'm schooled in the ways of the street, yo.
Do you personally know any bums?
~Actually, yes. more than one. How odd to realize that…
Do you get motion sickness?
~Terribly. but, I'm such a pretty shade of green...
What's your family like?
~Probably like everyone else's. Or at least that's what I tell myself.
Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
~Yes. complete with injury.
Have you ever been in love?
~ohgodyes
Have you ever done yoga?
~Yes.
What do you think about homosexual marriage?
~i encourage it as much as hetero marriage.
Do you sleep naked?
~sometimes, but, I'm usually more comfy in a tshirt. my shoulders get cold...
Tan or pale?
~pale. chronically. and, i'm permanently grounded from sunlight due to the fact that i recently attempted suicide via reflective raft and baby oil.
Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?
~yes, but i was disappointed. i want a redo.
What's your favorite color?
~green
What's your favorite drink?
~blueberry martini's, and raspberry margaritas
What is your biggest weakness?
~men with large noses, sexy hands, a slow smile, and great cologne
Do you smile a lot?
~I try to
Have you ever skipped school?
~Yes, and even better, I've skipped AT school. watch out world!!
Would you lie to your best friend?
~No
What would you NEVER change about the past?
~the impromptu night that i went out with my mom and her nurse friends. thats the night i met craig. if i'm lucky, he'll still be holding my hand when i'm old, but, even if we ended tomorrow, i would never regret that night. meeting him enriched me as a person in ways that i would have never discovered without him.
~twirl.
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