dabbling in gangsta, homie..

i dont think we've talked about this much, but, i have a pretty laid back taste in music.

my friends would say that 'laid back taste in music' translates to 'horrible taste in music'

i like a lot of acoustic stuff, and i'm a sucker for lyrics, even if the music surrounding them is questionable. my mp3 player is loaded with things like ani difranco, nevershoutnever!, alanis, tori, she & him, laura marling, joshua radin, ben harper, amber rubarth, neil diamond, jack johnson... etc. you get the point.


so, my mp3 player and i are making it to the gym approximately 4 times a week. recently, i realized that i was really tired of constantly tracking forward looking for a motivating song amongst all of the piano and ukulele.


you can imagine that the elliptical is NOT made any easier by loung'yish style music, but there was ONE song that i kept going back to.

'shake that ass' by eminem feat nate dogg.

god, how i used to shake my ass to that song at the club...

ahem...
anyway.

so, i think what i have learned about myself, is that i like dirty rap when i'm working out at the gym.

which is really funny if you know me. its almost as removed from my taste as heavy metal would be. almost. except heavy metal is simply, truely, utterly, intolerable.

so, yeah. i downloaded a bunch of stuff, but i'm taking suggestions for anything i've forgotten. its never been my musical area, so i'm not very familiar. at all, 'yo.

it. is. fucking. hot.

that makes me irrationally angry.

i am tired of body parts sticking to other body parts that they should not stick to.
i am tired of my hair feeling gross an hour after i wash it because of the sticky layer of sweat that i cannot get away from.
i am tired of the weather dictating what i can cook for dinner or when i can do my laundry without turning the house into a goddamn Auschwitz oven.

...and i need to be outside weed-eating and doing yard stuff. THAT means entering similar conditions but throwing in a shit ton of bugs to stick to my sticky sweaty skin.

...which improves my mood exponentially.

~*~


on a brighter side, i joined a gym.
my goal is to work out on my way to my 11p shift, and tan on my home at 7a.
i intend to do this 3-4 days a week.

i've never belonged to a gym, and have no idea how to do anything on the circuit machines. i figure i'll do the bike and treadmill and elliptical until i make a 'gym friend'.


i'm on a corporate account with work, so at $20 a month, even if i never make a 'gym friend' and only use those machines and tan, it will be worth it, if only for the alone time that money will buy me.

::sigh::

did i mention that the a/c in my jeep does not work, and that my three window units are insufficient to my meager square footage?  ergo- i'm melting as i type this, so off i go to donn my headphones and brave the great outdoors, bugs and all.

twirl.

tiny. round. navy blue... yay Lunesta.

so, i completed my first 4 day run at the night shift.

and i have no idea why a llama is my sleep aide mascot.


my flipping days and nights is wreaking havoc on my sleeping, so, i've resorted to using lunesta. lunesta is my favorite sleeping pill, hands down. even with the metal taste. it knocks me down enough to make me comfortably wobbly, and then OUT like a light for 4-5 hours before i finally might wake up to pee. at this point i can choose to stay up and be functional without that sleeping pill hangover, or go back to bed and sleep really good for a few more hours. and i still dream with this medication, sometimes more vividly than without taking anything. with other meds, i usually do not dream at all. overall- gold star to Lunesta go there and try the 7 day trial, or if you use it already, theres a coupon for their crazy ass prices. i just used the copay coupon, and it went thru without a single hiccup.

its completely different than what i'm used to on days. soooo much slower paced.so slow in fact, that i read a novel tonight. in its entirety. my patient interaction is down to minimal, and i dont love my nurses as much as i would have liked, but that may change in time.

so much else i wanted to say before i got sleepy, but i'm afraid it may not happen. sorry guys, i'll finish a better post later, after i get my permanent crown on at the dentist,

loves and kisses and dreamy wishes,
twirl.

i'm so in love with this.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.


Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Published 1927.

am not.

yawn...


no, i AM NOT staying up too late because i'm stuck on blogger... that would be silly.

what i'm actually doing is prep work.

...no, seriously. prep work.

i am INTENTIONALLY staying up (too late) on blogger because i accepted the 11p - 7a position that i mentioned a few posts ago, and i start this sunday night. i am attempting to make the mental flipping of days and nights a wee bit easier by pre-transitioning.

see how smart i am?



i've never worked the graveyard shift before. (why do they call it that, anyway?)

i suspect that i will like it after i adjust, because i despise 445am thru 11am. i am NOT a morning person. i have always been much more predisposed to being a night owl.

i'm not changing jobs, just changing shifts. which will kinda be like changing jobs a little bit, because of working with different people, i suppose.

god, i'm gonna miss my day timers. i work with the best bunch of people out there, hands down. they were really the only major point of consideration when i had this choice to make. they have become some of my best friends, and occasionally they are the only ones that i feel like can relate to me, as far as my work-life goes. i can always tell craig, or my bff about my day whenever i need to, but, they dont really get it, and i understand that.

its like... do you have that friend who goes on and on about their new new couch, or scrapbooking, or their husbands sick third cousins husband... and you listen, but, you arent that interested, and dont really care, and mostly you're just listening to let them talk because you love them, and its something they're excited about, so you just kinda ... indulge them while you're silently yearning for a topic that you can BOTH participate in?

talking to people outside of work about my job is kinda like that.

"and then this lady, who was only 52 years old, and who can walk PERFECTLY FINE made the CHOICE to just SHIT IN HER BED because she was under the very wrong impression that having an iv pole entitled her to a third party butthole butler! can you believe that shit? who does that???"

...actually- those stories are pretty funny, and most of the time my outside people enjoy hearing those. (btw- that really happened today. and the patient was a hooker. a real life hooker. with a prolapsed rectum.)

where was i? oh, yeah.

its probably more the not-funny stories that are hard to talk about to outside people.

(for my new readers, so you dont have to rummage backwards, in case you care enough to be curious...)

i am a cna on an oncology unit in a hospital. we have mostly cancer patients, whom i love with a part of my soul that is simply not available to anyone else.

i choose to work in that department. when i began in oncology, i thought i wouldnt be able to handle the emotional component that is unique to this particuliar field. and sometimes it is almost too much. sometimes, it floods pain in such huge amounts that it saturates me from the outside in.

but, theres something in these people that compensates for that. makes it worth it. a beauty and an honesty that i cant even explain. i see such strength and such goodness in my patients, and in their families. everyone is going through such a scary and difficult time, and you become part of that journey with them. its humbling how their family dynamic just melds around you as if you belong there.

so, when someone is dying, and you cant leave it at work... or just cant leave work period, or you just need to talk about someone to share who they are... or were... its almost impossible get what you are needing from someone on the outside.

but, my day-timers understand. they get it.
and i'm gonna miss that. a lot.
hopefully the night-timers will have the same vibe the one i'm leaving.

sigh.



anyway, lately we have a lot of stupid med-surg overflow patients, and i'm tired of them dirtying up my unit. we used to be exclusively oncology. my patients are immuno compromised, and i cant wait for them to get the sickies off my floor.

((**holy shit, a Roseanne re-run just came tv!
did ya'll know they still air that?**))

on the brightside, this shift change is an easier workload, and two dollars more an hour. since i'm the only one working in my household right now, can i get a woot?

evidently, i'm not really a grown up.

so- craig- my fiancee, and bf of 4.2 years, had applied for this job that pays pretty well, but would have him traveling.

which i dont mind, really.
i dont have to be up his butt to feel like we're ok.

in fact, the last job he had that took him away from home was pretty good for us.

...late night 'i miss you' phone conversations and crazy post-separation sex?

yes, please.


however, this particular job opportunity told him to plan on being gone 40-60 days at a stretch, and home for 8-10 days, lather, rinse, repeat.

thats home 8-10 days every 3 - 4.5 months.

well, ...go fuck yourself is what i think about that.
(as well as what i would be doing more than i'd like)


the thing is- he just got medically released from a knee injury, after three surgeries in two and a half years.
and the last surgery, they removed his patella.
not replaced- removed. he no longer has one.

so- he's got a bum knee and a big ol recent lapse in employment history, even though technically he was still employed by the company he was working for when he got injured. he is stir crazy, and very afraid that he wont be able to get a job that will pay him for shit, for a long time.

and its quite possible that he's correct.


::sigh::

today he got the call that they cant take him right now because 'legal' is afraid of his permanent restrictions being a liability and too big of a risk.

he is WAY more than 'pretty let down'.
he was so excited.
he saw this as a fresh start.
he was ready for things to get moving again, and for this 2.5 year long pause in our lives to be over.

this rejection really kicked his self image, self perception, and self esteem in the dirt.

THAT part, i feel bad for.
THAT part, i regret.

the rest?


i'm glad.
(reallyreallyreally glad.)

i did not want him to get this job. i did not want to live alone and sleep alone and change houses alone and do all the STUFF that we're doing, alone. not for that long. that's a long time at once to be alone, you know?

it makes me feel insincere, when i tell him that i'm sorry he didnt get the job.

because, he KNOWS. he knows that i'm not REALLY sorry. he knows its placating, and we dont do 'placating', and that makes me feel worse- even though he understands why i'm placating.

...and he understands why i'm not really sorry.

i hope he does.

...cause i feel like a real rat bastard.


anyway- this is not very grown up of me.
the opportunity would have been good for him, and for our family.


i know that.

i just dont CARE in comparison to being away from him for such an extreme amount of time.

and i wont feel bad for THAT.

changes : rtt

yay tuesday!



ugh. ok. that was just a segway for the button. boo tuesday. boo last two weeks!



i almost posted last week.
as in - i had my post mostly written, and then my rotten 12 year old made it disappear.
i was too exhausted to try again, and it wasnt that good anyway.




i have new peeps in my 'follow me' box.
(yay new peeps! hello!!)




lately, i havent posted. i've just been skulking around, saying hi, and leaving comments when i felt it necessary.
some of you fuckers make me laugh. and, i love that about you.

i also re-decorated.
you like?
i had to seek advice from some of you, and i much appreciated your patience. and- once it occurred to me to fetch my old myspace skills from the depth of my mental wastebasket, i had fun.



so many things happening in twirlville!



um... we have made super progress on the work we're doing at craigs house. we MIGHT meet our "move-in by" deadline. i'm getting pretty nervous about that, but thats a story for a non random post.



craig got a new job that probably starts this coming monday. analyzing elements of soil samples from around oil well sites... or some crazy smart shit.

its pretty good money, but, this job will have him gone for 40-60 day stretches. i am not loving this, and very much want to ask him not to take it, but that would not be my grown up self speaking, so, for now, i'm keeping this sentiment to myself. (i'll most likely expand on this later as well)... i dont know, its just such a change from what we're used to... its gonna be really tough.



a graveyard position opened up today at work, and i think i'm gonna take it. it will combat the re-learning how to sleep alone thing, and its two dollars more an hour with the shift diff factored in. it will work out great once school starts as well. i'm hoping to not have to pay for daycare any more once my brown haired brat starts all day kindergarten in august.



yesterday, we had a freaking typhoon blow through oklahoma city.
so, that was weird.

hmm... what else?





got my abscess and exposed nerve repaired at the dentist. i'll never eat a Starburst again. ...on that side of my mouth.

what the hell is insurance for anyway? and how is DENTISTRY so fuggin expensive?? i maxed out my dental insurance and i am still out of pocket over 600 dollars. bastards.



i have several lengthy posts brewing, but, not much by way of the random today. i think i'm gonna 'introduce' you guys to those people around me that make me who i am. maybe one important person a week? or, does that sound a bit like watching slides of someones family trip to the grand canyon?



i gotta cook... or run to arbys... or read my book and ignore the pleas for dinner or something.
go see keely when you leave here, and thank her for hostessessing this fantastic event.
yes.

i said hostessessing.

now, go.